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We Had A Predawn Drizzle Tuesday Morning

July 25, 2007
And it was beautiful and refreshing. Rain has been something we needed, because, it has been very dry with a record low level of rainfall. But, as I said, it was only a drizzle , –very short and quick.I wish I would post more often, but I seem to be in something similar to a slump.  Not quite a slump, actually something with similarities to a slump, yet, very different from a slump, but with slump-like qualities, nevertheless.

I did not go to sleep until Monday 8:30 am after a weekend of reading Harry Potter and drinking it all in. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is a wonderful book. J. K. Rowling can spin a tale, excessive colons, tightened adverbs, and the gratuitous use of the words rent and mutinous included.

After not enough sleep, I woke Monday afternoon with a real splitter. I assumed some coffee, and a coke, or perhaps some chocolate (which we had none) with a Tylenol would do the trick, but it was no prevail. I fancied making my deadline for Midsomer Murders Monday and settled in to rewatch an episode to write about but it was useless. I did indeed hope that Midsomer would calm my restlessness but it did not. The slump has been tugging at me, pulling me, forcefully disorienting my focus. I finished Evelyn Waugh’s The Loved One last week and wanted to write a small book report on it along with a few retorts to some ridiculous excerpts from the last The New Yorker. Nothing has materialized other than a silent scream drowning me in the frustration of the unheard.

The nagging gnawing that comes when one can no longer pretend that he or she knows what they are supposed to be doing with themselves is opening flesh that had previously scabbed over. I thought I knew the answer. I even actively ignored all the complaining from others who possessed the destination I desired. But now, especially after recently being diagnosed with a learning disability I feel that tightrope that I always assumed I had a choice to master is now no longer available. I have in fact fallen and I am on the side that is the other. Before, I thought if I only try hard enough, study and apply myself I could in fact one day teach Literature, the classics, walk into a classroom full of adults ready and willing to extract the nuanced meaning from the pages but now it seems so far out of reach, so beyond not only my grasp but my capability. I am afraid I have in the past fueled myself by thinking that I was able to beat the odds and be something more enjoyable than just a working stiff. Alas, the reality of my wiring is depressing. I think I must force myselt to vist a market selling invigorating lifelines. I must, —I think.

  1. Professor Zero permalink
    July 25, 2007 4:02 am

    Learning disability … but it did not prevent getting a B.A., so … ?
    Time to read Karen Armstrong, the Spiral Staircase, on her life. She is a “failed” nun (couldn’t take being a nun). She quit that to become a PhD student in English, but failed her dissertation defense. She ended up as a learned and well paid researcher and writer but of trade, not academic books.

  2. Absorbant permalink
    July 25, 2007 9:16 am

    Karen Armstrong is indeed a great writer and broadcaster! I think lots about her!

    Oh Kitty, you aren’t so bad, but this type of despair is saddening to hear about: You will succeed. You are my star!

  3. Kitty Glendower permalink
    July 25, 2007 12:18 pm

    One day I will rally again I am sure. I think it is more resignation than despair. I guess I have had the thoughts since I was told some three months ago. It explains a lot and I am just so frustrated. It is like being a sponge, able to suck it all in, absorb it all, but then having an hinderance, a limitation when wanting to expel some of it.

    You are both very kind.

    Professor, I was told that about the B.A (with honors) but now I seem to want to rewrite history and imagine I got by because of something else. Like being a favorite, or something similar.

    Oh well. It is out there now.

  4. Professor Zero permalink
    July 26, 2007 5:58 am

    Here everyone is supposed to have learning disabilities but I think it is just a scheme to get extra time on tests. I had one student who even I was sure had a learning disability, though: could clearly absorb and work with the material, could not reliably ‘expel’ it. In his case, drugs worked, as in, they dramatically changed his performance.

    However, the blog(s) amply show that you didn’t get honors by being a favorite but by being a good reader and writer.

  5. Chris permalink
    July 26, 2007 10:46 pm

    If you can make me see, evaluate, and change some of my perspective, I am SURE that you can teach a class of adults (although, I’ve never REALLY claimed to be one).

    I don’t know what else to say, other than I have the utmost confidence in your ability to do whatever you want to, because of your analysis, passion, and intelligence.

    Just treat that diagnosis that you got like any other label? At least attack it with the same passion. I don’t know, I’m not an expert on those things.

  6. Professor Zero permalink
    July 27, 2007 2:39 am

    I heartily second everything Chris just said! That is *exactly* true!

  7. Professor Zero permalink
    July 31, 2007 7:40 am

    I was thinking about this today while walking. Never let a label limit you is my conclusion – the label’s not you.

    Ideally, learning disabilities are diagnosed so that you can know exactly what you need to work around. But don’t let the diagnosis stop you.
    … Isn’t Einstein supposed to have been learning disabled despite genius, or is that an urban legend?

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