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[The USPS] Don’t Like [Green] People!

October 19, 2007
On September 11 2007, I used the USPS to send a package to my dear sweet brother in England. Normally I do not tell someone that I have sent a package because I want him or her to be surprised, but this time I did. Oh, how disappointing it is to ask every day “Is it there yet,” just to be met with a resounding “no!” Not to mention how it inadvertently hypes up the package.

Coincidently, the date of my action is symbolic to my salvoesque title but in an ironic double entendre don’t really make sense but I say it does sort of way.

One would think I tried to send explosives to the Duke of Edinburgh, but would be mistaken, because every red-blooded terrorist knows for such a task Express is more reliable than Priority. Incidentally, the United States Post Office no longer offers economy rates. That’s right. When I asked for the slow boat to China option, Fernando (his real name) told me, “Nope, no longer available, all economy rates are now gone, including Media Mail.” I stood there dumbfound for a second wondering what I would do for Christmas since all my long distance presents normally travel Media Mail. My people love books! wink

What is a cheapskate frugal consumer to do now? UPS wanted four times as month and I could only laugh with bewilderment when FedEx quoted their price. Wasn’t there a commercial a few years ago that showed a FedEx or was it a UPS truck traveling all over the world? We are only talking 5lbs and a few ounces here. Nevertheless, I paid the bail and went home and started the email harassment of, “Is it there yet.”

After two weeks of no, I had had enough. I was getting these irritating little slips of paper saying I had a piece of certified mail. I do not owe anyone money and no one has a reason to sue me, and I know for damn sure no one I know has enough money to leave a will that will require an attorney to send me a certified letter informing me of my windfall so, I did what any responsible adult would have done, —I ignored it. After the third and final notice arrived warning me of their intent to return the certified letter to sender I submitted and went to the post office to collect the whatever. (First, I researched if I had to sign before I’m told who the sender is. No, I do not.) I figured while I was there someone could tell me why my poor brother has yet to receive his box.

I know you know where this story is going. The sender was the post office. My Great Britain bound box had never left the county! I love how listed on the form filled out by the postal inspector, “We are holding a package at our office that was mailed by you to Brother Glendower of Great Britain.” It makes him sound so royal.

Anyway, those bastards. Apparently, because I used a recycled box they did not like the stains on it. It was only baby oil. I know because I spilled it myself. The notation says, “Box is heavily stained- maybe leaking.” I thought for sure once I told them nothing was leaking they would send it on its way, but no can do. I was told that I must use another box. Period. Also, I like this little paragraph:

If you do not wish to retrieve or correct your package, you must provide us written permission (via mail or fax) within two days upon receipt of this letter, granting us permission to dispose of the package. Please be advised you may be responsible for any disposal costs incurred. The permission letter must include the current date, a detailed description of the item, and your signature.

LMAO! There is an assumption that the terrorist sender is willing to first, answer the certified letter and second, claim the box. Or if one were to look at it in a domestic context it means the consumer must pay for the post office’s xenophobia.

Now it is finally on its way but this time I am not going to ask him if he received it or not.

4 Comments
  1. Pippa permalink
    October 19, 2007 8:16 am

    oh god bless you but there’s been a postal strike here for a few weeks! There’s massive backlog. He’ll NEVER get the parcel! Well, he might, but it won’t be soon. Pippa x

  2. CountryDew permalink
    October 19, 2007 3:14 pm

    Ye gods. What a story. I feel for you. I’ve gotten so I just send my overseas friends gifts from amazon because it’s easier. Not exactly the way I’d like to do it, but easier than dealing with the post office.

  3. Don permalink
    October 19, 2007 4:09 pm

    I agree, what a story.

    UPS may be trying to recuperate from the lost of millions due to emails replacing postage. Lord knows they charge an arm and leg for postage stamps.

  4. Chris permalink
    October 20, 2007 11:16 pm

    You mailed your brother baby oil?!?! 🙂 Kidding…quit swinging at me!

    How did they know that the oil spillage didn’t occur while it was in THEIR possession by one of THEIR staff?

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