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Have You Seen Supposed To?

December 5, 2007
I am looking for Supposed To, because I want to put a face to his or her image. Whom am I kidding; maybe I really want to see a face so I can smack it dead in its teeth. Not really, no violence here, but a good tongue-lashing will be unleashed that’s for sure.

Supposed To is on my radar because according to my mother through my daughter I supposed to be showering my grandchild, and great nieces and nephews with loads of gifts and wads of cash. Mind you, I have never met my brother’s daughter’s two children or my other brother’s daughter’s two children or my other brother’s son’s son, or my sister’s daughter’s three children and hardly ever see my own grandchild, nevertheless, I am supposedly to compensate by sending material goods, especially now that it is Christmas time.

I plan to get right on that, —-not.

It is all ridiculous and I will not enable it one bit. My daughter is not in need of food, shelter, or clothing. Her child has toys and a mother who loves him dearly and a home there and here he can come to anything he needs to or likes to, including an entire summer with or without his mother. A very well thought out Christmas present has been sent to my daughter and one for her son. I don’t understand what else is expected of me or why.

My daughter told me that her father visited her one day at my mother’s house, an event worth noting in itself. My mother leaned over and whispered something in my ex-husband’s ear, but not a real whisper but one of those pretend whispers that one intentionally allows all company to hear. She whispered something along the lines of “I spoil the boy rotten since his grandmother does not when she supposed to.” Oh, that’s rich. WTF? Honestly. He is not even two years old. When they visit here they have a blast, but they live there, far away from here. If my mother wants to spoil the child that is her business, but why is it that her spoiling must be done at my expense? Oh, the irony in those two yapping it up, really, especially since his daughter is almost twenty-six years old and he is still paying me child support and my mother hated the very sight of him when I loved him the most. Yet, when I discovered his destructive ways (many years back), he suddenly becomes her best friend. Whatever.

Ho Ho Ho, Happy Holidays!

  1. Chris permalink
    December 5, 2007 8:40 pm

    Sounds like she has a major self-image issue and she is trying to compensate for it by trying to make herself look like “the hero”.

    Frankly, sounds like she is the one that needs the punch in the teeth since ya can’t find “Supposed to”.

  2. Kitty Glendower permalink
    December 5, 2007 8:48 pm


    I swear it is like eating cheesecake. One bite is enough because it is just too rich.

    Where have you been Chris?

  3. momo permalink
    December 5, 2007 11:43 pm

    My mother’s aunt is ten years older than she is (84 to my mom’s 74). She never married, and was a “career girl” in New York City. Yet, she still acts as if my mother’s divorce from my father was a bad thing, and talks to her with great approval about my father, even though we, his children, have not yet decided if A stands for Asshole or Alcoholic, or both. My mother is still hurt by it, even though we tell her to just let it slide as our aunt being stuck in her patriarchal ways. I don’t know why it is that some older women still feel as if they have to run down the younger women in their family, even though what they are upholding is some weird patriarchal fantasy that their own lives don’t even match. It’s as if they think men are so innately bad that if one just SHOWS UP once very ten years, we all have to cheer and applaud!

    So, as they say, I feel ya!

  4. Verging Writer permalink
    December 6, 2007 2:21 am

    The spoiling of children . . .mmmmmmm is this what they did in “the good ‘ole days?” I think not. Where did this spoiling of children come from – I hate it & fight it with my former in-laws & even within my own family – which of course makes me out to be a grouch with my young son.

    So…I guess you could say, Kitty – I can relate!

  5. Kitty Glendower permalink
    December 6, 2007 5:18 pm

    they are upholding is some weird patriarchal fantasy that their own lives don’t even match.
    Yes, it is as if they all turn into Amanda Wingfield from Williams’ The Glass Menagerie. Throw in some Blanche DuBois and you have my mother to a tee. By the way Momo, you are truly appreciated here, not just now, but always, but now because when I opened my Tennessee Williams book to make sure I knew Amanda’s last name I found $12 in cash. LOL! I took that book to swimming lessons this summer so some how I must have had put some cash in there.

    The spoiling of children . . .mmmmmmm is this what they did in “the good ‘ole days?” I think not.

    Tell me about it Verging. In our case it was more like “what’s the problem, your father made you a doll out of an old spool of thread, now shut up and eat your fish head soup.”

  6. Professor Zero permalink
    December 6, 2007 10:40 pm

    I thought of you – actually of posting to this blog – at my hairdresser’s the other day. A man was having his 4 year old’s hair cut because it has to look perfect for his Christmas picture. The 4 year old was having a tantrum and it was virtually impossible to cut his hair and he was screaming. The father kept promising the child candy at home if he would calm down, but he wanted the haircut done. Finally the hairdresser threw them out.

    Then the mother called to apologize for the child’s behavior but to ask whether she could bring him back right now to get the haircut finished so he could be perfect for his photo sitting. Fortunately the hairdresser said no.


    Also: one of the worst verbal abuse scenes in my family ever took place over the fact that I was in graduate school and my parents’ friend’s daughter was married with one child. We were both selfish: I because I was in graduate school living for myself, and the other young woman because she was not suffering enough.

    It was only one child and her husband was helping with it. Every day when he got home at 5 the family would go down to the beach and he would play with the toddler while the mom went running. The mom was therefore relaxed and in good shape. My parents were very angry about it.

  7. Kitty Glendower permalink
    December 7, 2007 4:04 am

    I call that the “Kodak Moment.” The picture looks like a perfect family, but it lies.

    I think the father “helping” is problematic. Or should I say, that is mighty white of him. What would they said if she became fat and unhealthy?

  8. Professor Zero permalink
    December 10, 2007 6:06 pm

    Well let’s say … was not being a complete a**hole on the childcare front? They wanted her to be fat and unhealthy, suffer, you know.

    Meanwhile I am trying to figure out Chanukkah and Christmas presents for my estranged brother and his family. I have stuff for the kids but I am not sure about the adults … what to send that doesn’t cause me too much trouble (leading to resentment) and won’t turn into some new bone of contention. What I *want* to do is send a card and leave it at that … I am not likely to get even that from them … and wonder why *I* am the one the family expects to keep trying.

    (Of course we know that: I am the oldest, the poorest, and the girl, so I need to do the Cinderella thing to redeem myself, but the thing is I am tired of the Cinderella thing and want to take the high road, but am not sure of what the strategy for this would be. Hmmm, hmmm.)

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