Christmas Presents and Crack Heads
Crack heads can really fuck up Christmas. My forty-six-year old sister is a crack head as well as my thirty something year old nephew and my forty-year-old brother. My sister and half-nephew run together, stay together, hang together, slum together, whatever you want to call it. My dead half brother is probably rolling over in his grave. My crack head brother lives with my mother in the country. After years of living deep inside the city, they found ten or so acres in the middle of nowhere and moved. And my mother knows he is a crack head even though she will argue someone down insisting that he quit already a while ago. By the way, when he is forced to get a job and is drug tested, his urine did not pop positive, the laboratory obviously confused someone else’s urine as his urine. If their dysfunctional enabling is not bad enough they engage in some of the most insane antics, for example on Thanksgiving Day my brother disrupted my mother from cooking so she could drive him to the end of the gravel road, roughly, two and half miles so he could buy some rocks from his crack dealer who did not want to possibly damage his car while traveling down a gravel road. Because my brother has a suspended drivers license and because if my mother allowed him to drive himself she may not see her car for another month or so, if not then unless she decides to check the county impound lot, thus she justifies (more like, rationalises) enabling him. Apparently, it never occurs to her to simply tell him no and force him to huff the two and half mile if the crack is that important or at the very least force the dealer to bring the supply to the demand. Talk about the value of a dollar slipping.
Anyway, during Christmastime one who wants to give generously and desires that a recipient receive his or her gift safely, must be on heightened alert when sending presents to places where crack heads dwell (or hang out), because a crack head will steal anything and everything that is not nailed down, no, not nailed down, bolted down and wrapped in barbwire with several secured locks with the keys stored in no safer place other than on one’s person if not in one’s person. Hence my dilemma when sending a large box to my daughter that had her Christmas presents in it in addition to some other items, mostly hand-me-downs that I want her to give to her friend who always welcomes decent children’s clothes.
In order to know what presents will be safe to sit under the tree until Christmas morning one must understand the thought process of a crack head. (Not that I have authentic knowledge but I do have experience in dealing with Crackology as my guide). Depending on the present, I am forced to either tell my daughter the value of her present so she can protect that present when the crack heads are visiting or let her risk putting it under the tree unchaperoned until Christmas morning. Knowing the potential probabilities is what helps me determine what type of wrapping (disguise) I must use in order to make the present something the crack heads would not consider stealing. The main idea is to give the present a look of unpawnability. Ah, the pawnshop, the crack head’s lifeline. Just the other night I was reading my bedtime story Bleak House when I came across a line that was so hilarious that I almost fell off the bed laughing. As Dickens describes Nemo’s lonely room he delivers this gem, “There are some worthless articles of clothing in the old portmanteau; there is a bundle of pawnbrokers’ duplicates, those turnpike tickets on the road of Poverty;” (Note the capital P in Poverty). Preach it brother! What poor soul or crack head doesn’t know the inside of a pawnshop? So if the Christmas present has the look or feel of a pawnable item, such as jewelry (small exquisitely-wrapped box) or electronics (heavy boxes with cautions of fragility) one must let everyone in on the secret, thus, lie about what the present is, or, change the shape, sound, and over all appearance of the box so drastically that it looks to be an article of clothing, some boring household item, or a white elephant. An unassuming look is best. Never leave a single fattened card out that may appear to contain a gift card or cash. Never. Luckily, two of the three crack heads will only be over on Christmas Day. Everyone will be expected to be diligently on the look out in the name of including all family at such a wonderful time of year.