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My Friend and Her Husband

November 28, 2008

My friend Della has a husband. This fact has been established. Everyone knows she has a husband because she makes sure she tells everyone that she has a husband. When she is telling a story, her husband is always involved in the story. We know this because sprinkled throughout her prose is, my husband. It is the same all the time. My husband this, my husband that, my husband said this, my husband thinks that, my husband will do this, my husband has done that. My friend has a husband. We all know this. This fact has been established.

My friend’s older sister Joyce, never had a husband but has six children, all are now grown. Well, Joyce did have a husband once, legally. She married a Nigerian so he could get a green card. He had come to America on a student visa but no longer liked school, actually, he hated school. He wanted to be an American businessman and most of all he did not want those dreadful INS agents breathing down his neck so, he wanted a wife, he needed a wife, a green card wife. We all knew he wanted a green card and he would state it, often unequivocally. But we also knew although she said she knew he wanted a green card that she wanted a husband too, and that somewhere in her, she wanted this green card husband to become her real husband.

Della, my friend, had had one husband by then, not a husband for the first of her four children, but a husband for the last three of her four children. He too needed a green card. Yet he was never so bold to state that was his only motive. He said he wanted a wife, he wanted her, he wanted to be her husband, –and he wanted to be a famous soccer player (but that is another story, a story about an untalented twit that wanted to wish things into reality). After he got his green card, and his M.A. he could no longer tolerate her lack of ambition so he left her for a younger woman. But not really, the younger woman just happened to move in with him at the same time he left Della, with her four children, but only three was his, who was growing old and not particularly caring if he was around or not because he was not ever really around anyway.

Joyce weathered all the insults that came with not having a husband and having six children. She even had to ponder how was it that she could not hang on to a man who needed her for a green card. How was it that she let him get away after he got his green card? What was wrong with her that she could not get and keep a husband, especially one that should be easier to hang on to considering his circumstances.

Della has a husband. We all know this. This fact has been established. Della’s present husband is her second husband. Her children are now grown, so the current narrative is that her husband is not needed because she has children but because she and he love each other. He is her husband because he is her husband. He too needs a green card, but that is irrelevant, since he loves her and she loves him. This is the husband. This second husband is the husband that everyone hears about, that she tells everyone about by always inserting my husband.

The two of them, both husband and wife are preachers, or ministers, or whatever people are who go through some kind of training and can then get in front of a group of people and bark about bible stories, and occasionally sign marriage certificates. The church they belong to does not like women ministers though and often her husband is told to tell her not to expect to speak in front of their congregation. To please her husband and to satisfy her hankering to speak in front of a congregation she accepts invitations from other churches. It makes her husband happy that she takes that stuff somewhere else, away from him. So traveling away from home is not a problem for her because he is okay with it. She does miss her husband while she is gone because he cannot go with her, because if he does, it may appear that he approves of her barking in front of congregations, and he does not.

My friend forgets herself when she talks to me. I am not impressed with her having a husband. I tell her this. I tell her I want to know what she thinks, not what he thinks. What she did, not what he did. She does not need to validate her existence, with four children or not, by having a husband. I have never pined away my days thinking about having a husband even when I did not, so I don’t understand her insistence in reminding me that she has a husband. Perhaps, because I don’t find husbands that difficult to procure. And, maybe because I don’t know what it is like to feel or think that I cannot get/have a husband or, that I must have a husband. To me, there is no must to it.

When I think about how often she drops the phrase my husband into her conversations when talking to me, someone who is not impressed and encourages her to stop using the phrase, it makes me wonder about the husbandless women in her congregation, and all her husbandless friends. I cannot help to think that she inserts my husband to stick it to them, to elevate herself above those husbandless women and I am hearing it out of habit. Each time she says my husband, I just want to shout out, “having a husband is not that serious,” but I know it will fall on deaf ears, because who am I do tell anyone anything. What do I know, I am not without a husband.
  1. Natasha permalink
    December 4, 2008 6:10 am

    Hi Kitty,

    great writing, as always, just checking in, LOL, life catching up with me Again, bills, etc., you know, the shit hitting the fan and the trying to remain somewhat hopeful and fight off the depression stuff that seems to happen more and more lately…damn being poor,

    Anyway, reading this and some other good articles of late on here, have some mixed feelings or, maybe not so much mixed feelings but maybe a conflict of understanding, if That makes any sense.

    I’m referring to, “She does not need to validate her existence, with four children or not, by having a husband.”,

    I can relate to that because I’ve done it, but not because I’m proud of being married [believe me I’m not] or that I’m that thrilled with my husband or partner or dungeon master of an asshole, Depending on the day, frame of mind and all that jazz,

    but I guess what I’m saying is I understand Why she might be always saying or ‘including’ the my husband bit, and a lot of it I would bet is shame,

    not shame in being married but shame in that goddamn stigma put on women with Children because god forbid if they have children and are NOT tied at the ankles to a husband. Because you see That’s irresponsible our society says, and if sad to say if there is that mention of a Husband [be he a prick or not] there tends to be this reduction of guilt sentence, at least by society’s standards,

    by feminist ones, LOL, well, you’re fucked no matter what, if you are married you are a traitor to women [never mind that if not and economically poor you might be stuck having to suck dicks of many men just to feed your kids but alas, you see That too is your fault because you slept with the enemy and if you didn’t abort even worse],

    OR, you’re just a loser codependent who just has absolutely no feminist consciousness and if not lesbian well you know you’re just weak and no conscious for god forbid having any desire for men, you haven’t ‘ARRIVED AT THAT HIGHER LEVEL OF FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS’ and all that crap,

    sorry Do I sound bitter, LOL, alas but anyway,

    of course as you well know if you are poor you can compound all these things because you see not only are you with no Feminist consciousness or Lesbian [referring to the radical separatist feminists here where lesbianism is political choice] and stupid because you know you’re that codependent who still hangs on to men and thrives on boosting and perpetuating the patriarchy as the saying goes,

    yada yada yada…well by damn you just can’t win,

    then society on the other hand with the constant sublimial (sic) messages that if you are not married with children especially you are defunct, unfit as a mother, or just unfeeling and unwilling to COMMIT to a relationship and you’ve chosen selfish paths instead of whats best for the ‘children’ and you know, THAT guilt trip!

    And alas, If you are a lesbian or feminist spinster or childless woman, married or not but especially not married then its why aren’t you partnered up and if you are het then its well you must be too fat or you must not be likeable or something is Defunct with you,

    if lesbian then you aren’t fit enough and too clingy and blah blah blah [I have a little knowledge of that scene both lesbian and bi and LOL I really can’t see the difference when it comes to the whole dating and how women are JUDGED than in het relationships]

    its damn if you do damn if you don’t, in other words, WOMEN CAN’T WIN, PERIOD,

    don’t matter if she’s lesbian or spinster or married or free and with many partners or is poly or bi or what have you,

    she’s doing SOMETHING WRONG,

    but she’s doing more wrong if god forbid, she’s a mother and is not married [and not making a very good income where most wouldn’t KNOW she’s struggling],

    therefore that whole having a husband is still to this day that banner of ‘acceptance’,

    why, I’m a mother but oh, I’m o.k. because well you see, I have a husband,

    sure some flaunt it, maybe husband makes good income and maybe they’ve got that whole I’ve got this great man and you don’t thing,

    but I think the sad state is that here in 2008, no matter how progressive we have said we’ve become, those judgments on women are so still there,

    its acceptable to be a career oriented woman who is lesbian to Some degree [not with religious and conservative folks sure] and its acceptable to be a young career minded woman who is putting off marriage,

    but dare one be a stay at home mom or a mom who is married or even worse,

    a low income mother and so, the Savior, a husband,

    is her redeeming factor in Society’s eyes, even if just a little, now IF he’s a poor bum well, she gets some reprieve but not much, you see because then she’s a dumb loser who picks really bad men,


    I don’t know Kitty, I’ve been single and down on my luck, in and out of relationships [some by pure necessity and of course, won’t go into details there] and then, marriage and sadly,

    yea, necessity, sure, dumb dumb, I know,

    its like I’ve lived in this life but parts of me in different shades of this world and bits of me here and there, but having this understanding,

    or no, maybe


    I’ve done the ‘oh I’m married so don’t judge me harshly’ crap, until I suppose I just got tired of the charade and the pretense [years and years ago] and probably more,

    just got tired of flaunting some man who, I know, is the typical Male penis entitlement jerk,

    sure, he’s got his good points, few, but I know the patriarchy, shit I live it and deal with its brutality every damn day,

    know what Could have been,

    or could it really? You see the reality is, not every woman can have that high end degree and great paying job and be able to afford the sperm bank and afford single parenthood and live in a penthouse with the fancy cars and that whole image of ‘arriving at female independence’ though as charming as that media depiction is,

    and then gets married maybe to this great successful and of course, liberal and so understanding of a man who helps with the chores [LOL, does he even really exist?] and they both have these great careers and drive Volvos and of course they have these beautiful children who go to the best of Montossori schools and daycares and all that,

    ah, the reality of real life,

    just doesn’t always work out to the whole theory does it? OR, usually, its the theory that over time and Experience that one, woman that is, develops that consciousness but sadly, by the time she develops it, by the school of hard knocks, she’s in too deep to break the cycle or just the consequences to those decisions have caught up with her,

    so, she does the best she can, makes lemonade out of lemons or, better termed, makes lemonade out of sour grapes.

    I feel for the woman that believes that its the status of that husband that makes her acceptable, even if she is using it to ‘stick it to her unmarried acquantances’, (sic),

    even if it irks me, because I know, well, I suppose many of us know, that icon of a husband is probably like most men, a penis entitled [or thinks he is] asshole, and her life at home is more than likely one of to and fro bitterness and resentment with a touch of happiness here and there, just enough to keep her from totally going over the edge into barmyville,

    that tidbit of joy that helps her to rationalize her living hell.

    Ah, but to the singles out there, before we get too excited at the tedious doldrums of marriage servitude life,

    its not so much better on the other side of the fence either, regardless of sexual preference because bills still have to be paid and those partners who ever they may be are still sometimes very damn needy and demanding and oh so nerve racking or just insensitive,

    and of course if young and in the market well, regardless of sexuality its just a line of preferences and mind games and ploys and harsh judgments with the whole game of charades that is called,

    nothing bothers me I’m just in it for the fun, then the door closes on an empty apartment with silence to remind us just how alone we truly are,

    and maybe thats the real culprit, that damn loneliness that whether single or married or with child or struggling or on top of the world,

    we reach out and are taken for granted or we are in a room full of family and loved ones and feel so damn drained and given out,

    but as women,

    we are judged. So in our aloneness we hold up what we have, not so much to attack others I think or to even flaunt or hold ourselves higher,

    no, been thinking about this a lot of late,

    we do it because damnit, it keeps us sane, I think,

    for some more than others because if we [generally speaking here] can hold up something we have that they Don’t have then that somehow makes us O.K.,

    maybe not as dysfunctional or as screwed up or the failures that in our heads we say we are, because we, as women, have not lived up to those standards set before us,

    and no woman can escape it,

    not young or old, rich or poor, het or lesbian or married or single,

    by choice or by fate, doesn’t matter,

    we grow and we hurt and we live and we learn and some more than others have the scars to burden us on the way, those thorns in our side that leave the taste of bitterness in our mouths and futile hopes in our dreams,

    or lack of.

    Some to our despair,

    and some, I suppose to our understanding,

    that all in all in the end, no matter how we lived we die,


    And maybe when we start to realize that, that mortality that we all must face then we start seeing things differently,

    we see, that women don’t do things so much to lord it over others [or men for that matter] or to hold themselves up really,

    but they do to escape those judgments and especially those judgments internalized, those demon voices inside that always remind them

    of what Could have been, if only they had chosen the ‘right path’. And to avoid those why,

    they pull out anything they can to hold up and say, Ah Hah, you see,

    I have this, I’ve done this, I’ve not That or like That or


    I guess I’m to the point where, to all the feminists I say,

    I’ve contributed to patriarchy and I’ve loathed it at the same damn time,

    I’ve loved and I’ve hated the man I’m married too, as well as the past ones,

    I’ve loved having children and I’ve hated it on so many days,

    so many times I’ve wanted to chunk it all and say to hell with it and run, run so far and into a life with no attachments or no cares, no demands on my time or self,

    but you see, I’ve been there too, I’ve been that free woman, that undetached and, well,

    it sucked too. God did it ever suck, not because I was needy and in fact, many times loved being by myself but remember so many times, especially when there was children to think of,

    I sure would have loved just having someone who cared, hell even if they pretended to care or

    even selfishly cared, just a little.

    I’ve been on both sides, and I guess I’m seeing that there is really no damn utopia,

    no matter with man or without, no matter with children or without—regardless though,

    a woman, will always carry those judgments.

    I think men do to but not in the same way, and I can relate some, to the being in that whole group label thing, that demonization but at the same time, being apart from that due to the experience of womanhood,

    and knowing the things we say in secret…and maybe,

    the things we understand in secret but are too afraid to say because you see by doing so, we admit,

    our frailty.

    Yea, I have a husband, most days I think I hate him, well, sometimes, then those same days, I think, ok., well I care for him,

    or I love him,

    and even those days I want to say to him, screw you I’m gone, I start to miss him,

    miss him knowing just how awful he can be, not because I need him or because I am needy or even poor,

    even with the feminist consciousness and knowing how the stratifications work and how, yes, marriage benefits men and is For men, oh, know that all too damn well,

    even with all that, I see and know the humaness,

    of him, and even my children,

    but more of myself I think, my selfishness and pettyness and well you know, those things that make us human and infallable or fallible I think is the word,

    I read about this woman Kitty and I see, woman hiding behind the label of husband, or

    maybe in guilt she ‘includes him’ as to not do so, she with that social guilt that is so engrained in us feels like somehow, she has betrayed the marriage for not always including him [I’ve been there},

    which just does to show how much we’ve been constructed. It will be nice when we can arrive at a time when we just learn to see through acceptance, meaning,

    not embracing patriarchy, no way am I saying that, but in that leaving off the fanaticism of radical deconstruction which only works to replace things with other hierarchies and states of being that are alone and miserable,

    or dog eat dog per se,

    but that, we can come to a time of just real honesty. Yea, I’m married, been single parent too and single, and looking back,

    they have advantages and disadvantages and sometimes one is fortunate to at least have someone they are somewhat compatable (sic) with [male or female don’t matter] but more than likely its a bed of many thorns and annoyances and yes, sacrifices, sometimes more than others [and yes, usually its the women who do the latter],

    and there is always that desire to have it different, to do it different, to live that life that could have been,

    and if we could just really grasp that we would not have the need to flaunt spouse or sexuality or even,

    our feminist consciousness because we would have that understanding, really understanding that we just try to do our best and get through life with a little joy and with luck maybe,

    a little love.

    With all the other of course and yet, I guess we don’t really find all of that–do we?

    Rambling on here I know, reading here makes me think on a lot–I see myself, in so much,

    see what I once thought but realized, wasn’t really that way, those ‘ideals’,

    sure, realizations but, I guess Kitty, I’m asking more and more, if those gardens of promise on the other side of deconstruction,

    are really any better than what we have now?

    After all, we’ll always be faced and confronted with human imperfection even if we only had a world of only women…so I suppose I’m thinking out loud here,

    yea, I have a husband, well, you know I sort of hate that term, it sounds so, restraining like this, box of social cateragory, or something,

    I’m living with a man and we are raising kids under some type of committment, LOL, and yea, wish he’d do a lot more to meet me in the middle, rather than being the ‘entitled male’ thing,

    can’t say there is a lot of privilege in our case because he doesn’t have a pot to piss in, so thats not an aspect but,

    I do know, there are those times I’m thankful that he’s there…but I would survive if he wasn’t, though I would miss him, and I’m sure, if he was a her, it would be the same…

    but no matter, still so many days that loneness and when that time comes, its myself that I’ll have to make peace with, like all of us, maybe a Creator or not,

    but this I’m sure of, no matter what I did choose or lived and no matter what I die knowing,

    as a Woman, I will die, with some kind of judgment,


    be it the patriarch’s, or the religious, or the non-religious, or the feminists, or the hets or the lesbians or Somebody,

    will pass on a judgment.

    And maybe, maybe when people come to that place where they can find peace, ills and all and come to accept that they’ve done and chose what they could or knew at the time…

    all that will matter is making peace with themselves and when they come to that,

    they’ll no longer have to hold up the banner of status,

    no matter what that status may be.

    Well, thats my two worthless cents on the matter, LOL,

    btw, finished Grapes of Wrath,

    working to pay student loans which will be paying living in pauperville LOL until I die, and always wondering why the hell I went to college for in the first place, kids growing older and all the minutes I wonder,

    damn if I would have gone down that road, just maybe, just maybe,

    but facing mortality, guess I’m beginning to really get a grip that,

    life is like a lemonade stand, sometimes handing you sour grapes…and you do the best you can, sometimes you can make sweet lemonade, sometimes weak, and sometimes really awful,

    but when you’re thirsty you’re thirsty,

    and in the end,

    its all the same.

    Keep up the great posts, always walk away reading them and reflecting upon Kitty…



  2. The Fabulous Kitty Glendower permalink
    December 4, 2008 8:44 am

    but I guess what I’m saying is I understand Why she might be always saying or ‘including’ the my husband bit, and a lot of it I would bet is shame,

    Yes Tasha, you so totally get it. I was trying to reveal exactly that by comparing her to her sister, and with children, then without children, and how having a husband ends up being the only small amount of power that she can get, which is not exactly power, but sort of a quasi-power by proxy, or a surrogate form of sticking it to others, others who should not continue to want what she has, but do nevertheless because society is still making them want it. Which is why I included myself there at the end, because I am not above any of it and just as mixed up in the mess as all of the rest.

    By the way, I really appreciate your empathy for her and women in similar situations. And you are damn right, that needing a husband and being aware of the patriarchy is a double-edged sword, especially depending on one’s needs/dependency.

  3. Natasha permalink
    December 4, 2008 10:36 pm


    you know the saddest part of it I think, is knowing, knowing the economic realities, esp with children, If, if one chooses to separate from one’s spouse,

    thought of this last night and while marriage can have benefits, as well as so damn many pitfalls and annoyances,

    I know, KNOW, I’d be so damn worse off, even IF my kids were grown, due to age discrimination, esp with the economy as it is now, with retirement plans going out the window, etc.

    I don’t think many young women truly grasp the reality of the harshness that they will face, even if, lets say they remain single and childless for the remainder of their lives,

    talking here of those who work paycheck to paycheck which is the majority of us. And yes, men too have this reality to face, its not easier on them once they hit a certain age, but then most men die way before women do, so its mostly women who will live out their senior years in poverty, REGARDLESS of whether married or not,

    BUT, those who have not been married I’m afraid that still will have a much harder time, because there is no Family to assist and hell, even those with families, most families today can’t help because they aren’t making it themselves AND if they can, well, we know, nine out of ten its the young Woman/mother who will be carrying that burden of caretaker of the parents/in-laws.

    I guess what I’m saying too that its not just good enough to deconstruct patriarchy, because I’m seeing its a host of other factors that put stress and destruction and ironically,

    its Those factors that the traditionalists have a very good point, traditionalists meaning rural communal folks. I remember living in the South and thinking just how backwards it was that women would not venture far off from family, married or not,

    I thought, how limiting, how constrained but NOW I understand the benefits because if they hit hard times and they will, they have that support system. In our corporate age [capitalist] those support systems simply aren’t there for women and what little there is regarding the State, is just a replacement of the nuclear patriarchy, what I term as the State Husband that can be far more cruel and indifferent.

    I see so many strong, very independent older women living around me barely making it and by barely I’m talking, they are going hungry, and I am not surprised to see many actually seeking out the older senior men, IF for anything,

    someone to come over and fix something, which comes at a price,

    but these women know the score, and one in particular is very upfront with me and tells it like it is, without help from her ex husbands, she would be screwed. She can’t stand them yet she needs them, a catch 22,

    but they need her I think more, like sons needing mothers, its funny how that works and it is draining, on women,

    I think, its that need, not for Dependence but for interdependence, that we have not truly begun to address,

    as a society and community and yes, as both women and men. I remember some of the older women in the Socialist Parties telling me this and I didn’t understand, not then,

    but I’m beginning to understand now. Maybe though because I see people struggling to live in poverty and what I read often online is not what I see out here, know what I’m saying,

    like, I know the limits and the downside of marriage and like you said, the power by proxy which true, isn’t power and surely NOT empowerment,

    but, what are the alternatives for so many thousands upon thousands of women?

    And even if, we totally separated from gender, well, that has its disadvantages too, we’ve seen the realities of gender apartheid in other countries,

    and women have it far times worse in those countries.

    And I believe its going to be far worse for the upcoming generations because of the detachment of people,

    learned detachment which is necessity for the thriving technical economic infrastructure [and obviously agenda behind that].

    LOL you know though I’ve been contemplating so much of what I read in the GofWrath and relating to so much of it but then, what struck me is that if [and we are going through the beginning stages of Depression now and on a global scale], but When it hits hard,

    it won’t be like it was in the 30s, because even globally society/people have been used to that detached ‘cubicle’ divided existence, even among the poor and today,

    even Within families including marriages. Thats the downside of the bourgouisie deconstruction which I am strongly believing was not to increase ties among people but was cleverly construed to benefit capitalist corporatism in a very fascist way,

    I guess what I’m saying is I’m rethinking a lot of positions, which I do quite often here and there over time but, the ‘ideal’ that so many are striving for I can’t help but think,

    there is a can of worms in there somewhere. For women and children especially, which interestingly, back in the day it use to have some impact when a woman would say, “oh but I’m married and I have a husband” yada yada,

    not so much anymore, now its “I have a great paying job and secure investments, married or not”, and That is rare,

    and as that reality becomes more apparent I’m afraid we will see more of a backlash against deconstruction and more of a return to traditionalism, not because of lack of consciousness but because of necessity,

    and I believe this past election, we saw some of that reality. And the past judgments will resurface where once more, the Scarlet Letter mentality will be the stick of measurement,

    for women that is. And yes, already women are obeying if subconsciously those standards, for that survival,

    adding resentment, not deliberate but it happens, to those women who are not in that economic position Yet, to find themselves having to make those choices.

    It has So much to do with class, I am finding more than I thought,

    and a class that isn’t stagnate at least in the middle, but fluid but tragically in a downward motion. But you know Kitty, as bad as it is, most of us can sit and talk/discuss these things and That, that is a luxury, I don’t believe many grasp that,

    for so many women in the world right now, the status of marriage or not marriage is not thought of in theories of deconstruction and so forth, oh no,

    its truly a matter of life and death for them, and not just for them but for their future children, for their entire community’s future [or nation].

    and I suppose I am really getting that, not just a mental knowing but more than that,

    and I’m seeing that one, there isn’t enough emphasis on MEN having to change, but its always on Women having to change,

    deconstruct women in the name of freedom and empowerment but truly they aren’t becoming free, just slaves to the corporate state, that husband that holds more economic power over them than many want to face I think,

    its benefited capitalism no doubt, in a dire way, and women are paying a heavy price [and men too, working class low income men that is],

    and then the issue of children. Its a strong division right now with blame placed on women for having them but at the same time,

    we have countries where there is shortage of labor with migrants moving in to fill those labor gaps who are extremely patriarchal, and the gov/State husband is now saying to women,

    tough, you are going to do what we demand of you because the STATE needs it for survival [by the STATE the rich elites who hold power],

    who’d have thought that once the most liberal state as far as freedom From marriage [at least on paper, not so in reality], that Soviet Union, would turn into a State that is overturning abortion rights and where domestic violence is at an all time high?

    But its happening,

    and what is so shocking, is its not just the men who are pushing for this reversal, oh no,

    its the younger generation of WOMEN, who’ve seen the realities and harsh ones at that…

    I’m afraid, we aren’t too far off here. I can’t help thinking Kitty, that somewhere,

    we missed it, the feminist movement missed it, somewhere,

    and I think the answer lies in the question of not just the social question but in the matter of children,

    meaning that, rather than the deconstructing of wanting to rid of the burden of children and escaping all that comes with [caretaking, domestic work/unpaid labor, etc],

    that yes, those benefits for men in the patriarchal Nuclear establishment [important factor there],

    that in that deconstruction generally speaking the matter of the necessity for Survival, not just individuals but as a whole, was not tackled and resolved,

    but instead, swept aside for the women to quietly deal with on their own…and now they are being buried under the double and triple burdens with the added social guilt placed upon them,

    so its not surprising to see women, even today, hold up the traditional status of ‘marriage’ with the ideal ‘security’ that it holds [though we know in reality that security is long gone],

    to escape that Scarlet Letter Label,

    but not so much to escape the label so much I think,

    as to just cope with the knowledge that there truly is still, limited choices,

    for women.

    I guess in closing what I’m saying Kitty [know I’m going all over the place here] is that maybe, maybe the answer doesn’t just lie in confronting men or patriarchy but lies in something far more, broad and

    maybe some of the solutions might mean looking back and seeing how older generations survived and Why they thought and arranged societies the way they did,

    not from ideals but from necessity, I don’t know,

    all I know is that this notion that we have somehow arrived and are better off, I think is a ‘myth’ because lifespan for women is going down,

    more women [single/married both] are living in poverty, more women are dying in pauperville and more women are suffering violence and definately more children suffering,

    something, is surely not working…yet more women are working and are CEOs and even Presidental candidates yet,

    we’re in so many ways worse off than our foremothers who bore children and worked on farms and yes, standing by their men [who, really, held up the families and communities as well as were the Rocks that the men leaned on],

    and it seems, patriarchy and all, women had far more respect and reverence then, than they do today.

    And I fear, the future for our daughters, and for once, I have to say,

    I don’t think, they will blame only the men, oh no,

    I think there will be plenty of blame to go around…I just hope there isn’t so much detachment that its too late, for a solidarity movement to eventually overthrow the hierarchy of things,

    including the hierarchy that has hijacked feminism.

    If any of that made any sense, LOL…well anyway, blah blah blah, my soapbox of pondering of the day and well, bills to pay and what difference does all this pondering make, LOL, except some cyber air time for me to spout here,

    reading Mice and Men now, getting into Steinbeck,

    still chewing on Grapes of Wrath, the ending, not so sure what I think of, the analogy is interesting thats for sure,

    the eery part though, is damn, its like, its happening moreso today, but its more sinister,

    this creation that is deliberate of an underclass that will eventually yes, embrace the master savior noble lord to save them…that drive to that final desperation,

    dehumanized to the point where there is no choice but to take whats offered….

    and I see it unfolding right before our very eyes. And I can’t help but wonder, if that wasn’t the plan to begin with…that somehow we’ve all been cleverly steered in a direction that has been nicely marked out.?


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