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Hide Those Keys!

December 3, 2008
Could someone please hide the keys to the cabinet that houses the imaginary gun? It seems every year right around Thanksgiving, or a few days after, people start wielding that imaginary gun with abandon. And if they are not wielding it they are playing Russian roulette (I bet if I did some research, that would be an offensive nationalist stereotype. Ooooh I checked my book, The Facts on File Dictionary of Clichés and here is what it says about Russian roulette. “To engage in a potentially fatal undertaking. The term refers to a game popularized by Russian officers at the czar’s court in which each player in turn, using a revolver that contains just one bullet, spins the cylinder, aims at his own head, and pulls the trigger. With a six-chamber cylinder, there is one chance in six that he will kill himself. The term was transferred to other highly risky undertakings in the first half of the twentieth century. ‘Abusive parents are often scarred survivors of generations of Russian roulette,’ state an article of the medical journal The Lancet (1976).” No, I am not interested in finding out what The Lancet was going on about, okay, maybe a little, but I am beginning to digress too much).

The important point is, to hide those keys! Apparently, someone got into the cabinet that houses the imaginary gun and started passing that gun around. Because, I have already been subjected to numerous laments declaring how so and so just has to, just has to buy so many Christmas presents. JUST HAS TO! If ze (The wiki reference is a Christmas present to everyone who loathes wiki references. Happy Christmas! That means you too Laurelin.) does not buy the presents the gun will go off, and ze head will be blown off! You see, ze has no choice! What happens if the presents are not bought? What happens exactly? Will the offending gifter, or should I say no-gifter be banished from the house (or office, or club, or group, or …..?) Will that no-gifter be escorted to the village square and placed on top of the town’s official Christmas tree, and left billowing until The Feast of the Epiphany?

Mostly privilege people wanting to whine is what it sounds like, and they cannot even bother to stop for Christmas. It is Christmas! I do not suffer all year, pass on indulging myself just to earn a lousy cookie. “Oh, give that child a cookie, instead of expecting a present she so gracefully thanked me for donating to the (some obscure charity) in my name.”

Cookies are fabricated constructions, or haven’t you heard?

Around here, we are buying presents. We love presents. We love Christmas. And if you don’t appreciate the way we celebrate our Christmas, then I would need to ask that you not force your religion into my culture, and that request is not limited to the religious zealots who insist that every front window be adorned with a Crèche (crib), but also the other religious zealots, the Cookie Brigade.™ The Christian zealots are not the only ones who froth at the mouth at the slightest indication of desecrating Christmas. The hipsters who make up the Cookie Brigade cry foul too. They are the ones who do most of the whining about having that imaginary gun held to their heads, the guns that forces them to buy for the wicked sister-in-law and the repig older brother. Using this approach, the whole foods champions, reap the benefits of a double-whine. They get to appear intellectually superior, too smart to fall for believing in some magical night that produced a baby who was born to die for our sins (yet the power of hope has power: wink), and they get to act high and mighty by ranting about those awful corporations who send out hit men with imaginary guns. Instead of gifting, the Cookie Brigade™ cite (and do they ever cite, every chance they get) all the charitable acts they intend on doing instead of gifting, but not charitable-charitable acts, but acts that can be easily manipulated into promoting an image of “Look at me, I’m anti-those yucky religious people, but I am also so clever and kewl about it, that I am automatically absolved. Shit, I am absolved simply for acknowledging that I need to acknowledge. Now can you like order me another latte while I sync my I-phone because I so need to tell folks about what I intend to do and zomg!!!11 there are only a few days left before Christmas.”

*I used vintage black and white photographs of people I do not know. Because when Very Serious People™ want to convey seriousness, they often use vintage black and white photographs of people they do not know.

One Comment
  1. CountryDew permalink
    December 3, 2008 8:44 pm

    Thank you for your post on my blog today. I hope that you have lots of presents and a very Merry Christmas (with absolutely no Russion roulette anywhere around you!)

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