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Natch

January 23, 2009
Rhymes with snatch, a dirtier and nastier substitute for cunt, as in she became disease infested all by herself. As in the village bicycle, —everyone has had a ride.

Natch removes the ally out of naturally and invites an unwanted ch. Blasphemy. And must we be deprived of the various forms of your, you are, u r, your’ and youre?

Whenever you use the word natch, its ugliness crawls out of your mouth and sticks to your lower lip like an angry scab on a cold sore. Tingling, scratching, and sucking like an octopus competing with a cat’s claw, the two laying claim to the same spot. One is sucking and sucking while the other is scratching and scratching, both digging in, demanding ownership.

Whenever you use the word natch, especially in that desire to be hip tone, I can think of nothing else but flinging away that scratching cat, that sucking octopus, and further cutting open your fresh fleshy raw wound and pouring in sea salt. Rock salt. Salty-salt.

Natch sounds like the smell of fresh asphalt. An old dusty roof being tarred. Morning sickness. Sea sickness. Car sickness. Dog puke in the front seat.

There is a reason why it fell out of use the first time around.

Please gawd Jesus Wept make it stop.

It is ugly.

10 Comments
  1. MargaretJamison permalink
    January 23, 2009 1:58 pm

    I never liked it either. The first several times I heard it, I had no idea what it meant. What is up with people shortening perfectly good words, like ‘naturally’ and ‘failure’, to say “natch” and “fail”? It does grate, that’s for sure. I would honestly prefer to hear people saying ‘nizzle’ than ‘natch’. And I hate that Snoop Dogg shit. Althoooooough, ‘fizzle’ for ‘failure’ is kind of cute.

  2. speaking up, an atheist woman permalink
    January 23, 2009 3:47 pm

    Ooo dear, I was both being faux-ironic, and not thinking…

  3. The Fabulous Kitty Glendower permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:00 pm

    Have you recently used the word AW? Because I can tell you for a fact, I was not referring to you. Actually when it sent me over the edge I intentionally went to everywhere I thought I read yesterday evening trying to make sure that I would not offend by including any of the people I read. I must have missed your use because I know I checked your place twice. Then again when a word sends me in a tizzy I tend to take a no prisoners stances. LOL! sorry.

    See, when it is used to make fun of something or someone, I’m all for it, but to use a word just casually it reminds me of trying to start a new use, or in natch’s case a resurgent. And I never feel ashamed to wag my finger, because as I noted at the end of my Jesus Wept entry, I have been insulted, out right assaulted for my use of grammar and syntax that I feel justify when I make fun of some of the very same wannabe hipsters that wagged their fingers at me. In the name of shooing me away, of course. Or would that be in the name of shooing me away, natch. Ewwest.

    If you want, I can email you the link that was directly responsible for my tizzy.

  4. speaking up, an atheist woman permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:40 pm

    oh no, I’m good lol. I’ve been in enough tizzies lately myself. I did recently use it, on this blog no less, in response to Margie’s last posting.

  5. The Fabulous Kitty Glendower permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:46 pm

    LOL!

    See, it blinds I tell you, blinds.

  6. Anna Belle permalink
    January 23, 2009 5:49 pm

    I’m glad you qualified in comments the differentiation between using it casually in speech and using it as a rhetorical device. I really dig playing with language, and the voice of my inner dialogue is half 60s hippy (thanks dad!) and half valley-girl (thanks Moon Unit!) She totally uses “natch” a lot, man.

  7. The Fabulous Kitty Glendower permalink
    January 23, 2009 6:04 pm

    I am about to betray myself. But, in a recent example of exactly what I am talking about is Zoey 101. Of course, not every knows Zoey 101; I think most people will need a child in the house before being introduced to Zoey 101. Not that I am particularly fond of Zoey 101, but it is safe. In addition, having safe television is a necessity. Although I must admit it is heteronormativity safe, so that would be it is not safe if the desire is to deconstruct the heteronormativity model. My daughter and I make fun of it all the time, for the record. As in, awwwww, he just has to have a girlfriend for the dance. Also, I get to point out when boys are bullying in a societal approved way, like “I will help you with your science project if you go to the dance with me.” That is a common trope in T.V. land. I just saw an old episode of Family Matters, and Eddie convinced his sister, Laura to go out with Steve Irkel so Steve would give Eddie concert tickets to Prince. WTF? His sister is his bargaining chip?

    Nevertheless, I digress (if you have not noticed already).

    So on Zoey 101, one of the teenage boys was determined to start a new phrase to replace “that is tight” or “Da bomb” or what have you. His phrase was “That is drippin’.” No one was biting, but he was shoving. The attempt was pitiful to watch. It is that attempt that I see/hear when people use certain words casually. It grates. Mostly because I think, they are not even aware of their mindless word regurgitation, or desperate need to be the author of a new coinage that will quickly become a cliché, thus sending others in to a tizzy who hates how fast a new coinage turns in to a cliché. LOL!

  8. Anna Belle permalink
    January 24, 2009 5:59 pm

    Haha. Me and my daughter make fun of iCarly the same way. No shame in that.

  9. The Fabulous Kitty Glendower permalink
    January 24, 2009 7:30 pm

    I know, can you believe some of the things said on iCarly sometimes? Sheesh. Like the time she said she wanted to bake cookies on some boy’s back. Ewwest. What grade are they in anyway? It seems that middle school should be high school, but it that was the case they could not make high school shows that are way way past age appropriateness. Speaking of iCarly, how often do I roll my eyes at the number of hits they get in like ten minutes. Whatever. And did you notice the episode that they put Carly in a bikini and same in a one piece with the pretense that they were pretending to be at the beach. It had nothing to do with the rest of the show (the show, not the internet show). The first thing I thought was that the producers found an excuse to put that girl in a bikini so all the fourteen-year-old boys could whack off.

  10. Anna Belle permalink
    January 25, 2009 12:38 am

    No, I really can’t believe some of the stuff they have coming out of her mouth. What kills me most is watching her people-please and knowing they call that acting at the studio. Poor girl. iMissed the bikini episode! Pun intended! heheh.

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