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The Hills of Slime

April 29, 2009

that I must trudge through…


I have a few girlfriends from adolescence and older who I stay in contact with, as in we meet at least once a year and talk on the phone and write letters to each other all the time. Until lately, I was considered the one to go to, the one that would understand and help as much as I could, perhaps even, the sweet one. Now, I am officially considered the mean one.  Yes, I am mean.  I was puzzled at first to what I could have done to garner such a title. I thought of stereotypes and stock characters like The Queen of Mean, Leona Helmsley or Naomi Campbell and could not make the connection, –not at all. Then, during the last visit from one of my friends, I learned the origin of my new-found label of meanness, or I should say, why I am now considered mean, although I am no meaner than I have ever been. I am now labeled mean because I cannot bother with discussing men.  Well, I will discuss them, as in how they rape and murder women, but not in the how to get a man or how to keep a man and if a man is cheating on you or not, because with those topics I quickly avert by saying how it is more than likely that he will rape and/or murder a woman so why  want him. {In my head, I can hear Ricki Lake’s Tracy Turnblad, crying out, But I lovvvvvvvvvee Seaweeeeedddddddd!}


So, I guess, I will further my meanness if I tell the sender of the following email about the wrongness of its contents and how she should not be forwarding such rubbish. To be honest, there is so much to deconstruct, I would not even know where to begin, and frankly, not sure if it is worth my time. I am already predicting that it will fall on deaf ears. And, I shall add, in the email a photo was included (which I will not include) of what appeared to be an older woman  dried and cracked heels in a pair of high heel shoes. Which, incidentally, a website address was on the photo and, guess what type of website it is.


Sometimes it seems so overwhelming. Anway, for your pleasure, here is the horror that awaited me in my email box.


The Heels of Time


Alright ladies, it’s that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things.. So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below…  


The Open Toed Shoe Pledge


As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:


I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.


I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.


I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.


I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.


I will shave the hairs off my big toe.


I won’t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.


If a strap breaks, I won’t duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back! into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.


I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl’s if my feet need him.


I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids’ sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.


I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.


I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.


I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.


I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $20 or $25 and worth EVERY penny).  


I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear… nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

  1. April 29, 2009 4:50 pm

    Honestly, WTF!

  2. undercoverpunk permalink
    April 29, 2009 5:33 pm

    Hey, I recognize that email! I was similarly unimpressed when it arrived in my inbox…but it was unforgettable. I don’t think I said anything to the sender. I’ll wear whatever fucking shoes I want, when I want. Men do. And their feet are much, much uglier.

    I’ve also had similar experiences with my friends thinking that I’m “mean” or heartless for refusing to indulge stories of men’s bad behavior without wanting to call it what It Is. They give me this Look like they just *know* what I’m gonna say and they don’t want to hear it because it’s, like, soooo judgmental! BIG sigh.

  3. April 29, 2009 5:51 pm

    Thankfully no one sent me an email like that, waaaay to do my head in.

  4. joankelly6000 permalink
    April 29, 2009 6:08 pm

    All right ladies, let’s make each other question our own judgement in giving out our email addresses to people who send us insane, inane, Stepford-wifery emails that start with the dead-giveaway disaster of “Alright ladies!”

    I mean, fuck me with a dirty white sandal, what IS this shit?!

  5. April 29, 2009 8:35 pm

    I can’t decide if these are worse than the emails telling you to take whatever fad precaution it is they’re recommending these days in order to protect yourself against rapists, without ever saying the words ‘rapists’ and ‘men’.

    • keen permalink
      April 29, 2009 9:29 pm

      You mean the ones that treat rape as though it were a natural disaster? As though, like hurricanes and earthquakes, rape attempts are simply inevitable natural occurrences that we should prepare for. They just happen! None of it is anyone’s fault, really (except ours for not preparing well enough).

      I think those are worse, if only because the sender can use “I just care about your safety!” as an excuse when someone complains.

  6. April 30, 2009 12:14 am

    So nice the way she’s found a common cause all women can unite behind!

    If only I’d known about the “cute girl sisterhood,” I’d never have needed feminism.


    Seriously, Kitty, who sent this to you? Did she know you at all? Mind boggling.

  7. citywood permalink
    April 30, 2009 4:07 am

    Shaving the hairs off your big toes? I guess we should also shave the hairs off our fingers. Oh right, women are only supposed to have hair on the top of their heads and above their eyes.

    As to your being the “mean” friend, that reminds me… A short while ago I told my cousin that I had become a radical feminist. One of the things she said was that while she believed in equality she couldn’t get behind the extremist man-haters. (Well, that wasn’t exactly how she put it, but basically what she was saying.) After that she no longer seemed to be interested in corresponding with me (we usually e-mailed back and forth). I guess she thinks being a radical feminist is too extreme. Anyway, I felt the need to share that somewhere and this post seemed to me to be a good opportunity, hope you don’t mind.

  8. Polly Styrene permalink
    April 30, 2009 6:26 am

    Those “how to protect yourself against rapists” ones are good. Because they should simply read never voluntarily be alone with a man, or men. The chances of being snatched off the street are vanishingly small. The chances of being ‘acquaintance raped’ are huge. I’d like to know what motivates people who start them, I bet they’re started by men.

  9. radvoice permalink
    April 30, 2009 2:05 pm

    There should be some form of a paper shredder for email.
    So one may watch such scrolls of idiocy slashed to cyber ribbons…

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