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Overstepping Boundaries

August 8, 2009

On the internet, how can you support someone you care for, while avoiding giving people who appropriate, abuse, take advantage of loving and caring people who share personal stories for the good of all undeserved attention? Yeah, malicious attention seekers have found a niche on the net.

If a person is too stupid, too insensitive, and too callous to understand the differences between what is personal and what is public record (and/or what personal information is used by the bearer herself for icon building and worship) they have more problems than my wagging finger can solve.

There is an unwritten rule in loving and caring feminist circles that all discussion centered around something personal that someone writes/shares stays where she can control what the public sees and or can stop the discussion when she needs to (Or is discussed through email and private forums, where what she does not know will not hurt her and where there is an understanding among that group that it will not leave the group. Don’t lie, you know you do it too). To spread a personal story in the general public beyond the control of the storyteller does nothing but discourage others from sharing their personal stories.

Let us all beat up on the woman desiring human contact. It is not as if the patriarchy has not kicked her teeth in enough already. Yeah, let’s do it, it is so revolutionary and beneficial to feminism.

And to think, some women care more if a dog is ignored than how they contribute to the pain of a woman.

20 Comments
  1. August 8, 2009 7:03 pm

    I will never ever understand women like that. And I think I understand the women who follow them even less. It bothers me to no end that folks can’t just leave the assholes to themselves but instead have to lend them validity with their presence.

  2. atheistwoman permalink
    August 8, 2009 7:10 pm

    Well clearly you are all just victim feminists and can’t understand that the only way to stop the horrible plague of whiners is to cross everyone’s boundaries and insult everyone.

    Really though this whole thing has been incredibly sad. Wait, wait, I’m whining, I’m a victim, I’m talking about my feelings, I’m having a tantrum because the world isn’t perfect. Bad AW…

  3. Mary Sunshine permalink
    August 8, 2009 7:24 pm

    Margaret, I understand them. But that understanding is a truly soul-sickening thing for me. How much I wish I didn’t know. And yet, we are on the same planet with them.

  4. August 8, 2009 10:51 pm

    The willingness to not see the difference between a personal assault (crossing a boundary) and honest criticism is nothing more than a rationalization used to justify doing it.

  5. August 8, 2009 11:06 pm

    No one, whether they are “for” or “against” a blogger has a right to use her name and her personal story like some fucking specimen in a lab somewhere. She didn’t give anyone permission to use her personal story.

    But it is all about raping the earth, taking whatever resources their little entitled selves think they should be able to use/have, just because they want to, because they can.

  6. August 8, 2009 11:22 pm

    “Overstepping boundaries” is an apt title.
    The actual truth seems to be closer to “overstepping boundaries and kicking someone in the guts whilst they are down”.

  7. Mary Sunshine permalink
    August 9, 2009 12:51 am

    Thuggery.

  8. August 9, 2009 1:20 am

    Sis, do you have a mouse in your pocket. This thread is about people abusing a personal story of a blogger. It is not an igniting point for a flame war. Which is exactly why I asked the very first question in my post.

  9. August 9, 2009 1:51 am

    Sis, I meant to press approve but I pressed delete by accident. Anyway, here is your last comment in full:

    There’s no need for you to respond to me the way you did, sarcastically, assuming malice or something insincere on my part.

    I’ll not come again.

    With your very own comment you should be able to answer your own question. I did not answer sarcastically. I answered matter of factly. I used the euphemism “do you have a mouse in your pocket,” because if I recall it is one you have used before (it is called trying to relate to the person you are talking to). There is nothing in my comment that demonstrates an assumption of malice or insincerity. I simply stated that this thread will not be used to start a flame war. You listed people and you used the pronoun “We.” Both could easily ignite a flame war whether it was your intentions or not. Neither applied to this thread, so I deleted it. And instead of “working it out” you ended with the zinger, “I’ll not come again.” Well, if that is the way you feel, this was not the place for you to begin with. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you felt comfortable enough to approach this blog with your list of “hated” people, instead of approaching other blogs. How do we supposed to know what the hell someone else’s issues are? Why should the burden be put on us over here? We are not the ones going around abusing people’s personal stories.

  10. August 9, 2009 3:45 am

    Well, if that is the way you feel, this was not the place for you to begin with.

    Damn straight, Kitty. And not just because she violated the spirit of this post, either.

  11. August 9, 2009 2:25 pm

    Sis has left another comment. I’m not going to publish it, but let me make this much clear: women who have a problem with black women are not welcome here. Take heed.

    • August 9, 2009 5:43 pm

      …women who have a problem with black women are not welcome here. Take heed.

      To be fair Margaret, Sis is Metis, not white.

    • August 9, 2009 5:55 pm

      I never said she was white. I said she has a problem with black women.

  12. August 9, 2009 4:17 pm

    No comment with names will be published here in this thread. This blog will not get into a flamewar on behalf of non-feminists. This thread is about how people have abused a woman’s personal story.

    Sis, if you recognize that something has happened in the feminist blogosphere, and there must undoubtedly be issues amongst some women, then why insist on coming here and using names. To drag us into some shit. Why not email people if you want to talk about personal things. Why must you stand on the middle of a stage and tempt/stir animosity?

    All I care about right now, is a feminist woman, a very feminist woman is suffering because a few so-called feminists did not think twice before parading around her personal story like it was free for the taking. That is unacceptable.

  13. August 9, 2009 8:54 pm

    Sis, we don’t have a blanket policy to not use names. Actually, sometimes I think using names is important. The situation dictates the use. If a person reads a very personal story that someone has written and it provokes thought, they should not go back to their blog and use that person’s name and story without permission. That is simply common sense. Especially if everyone in the community knows that the two (or three or four) had fallen out, or that one of the two (or three or four) have been dishonest or has proven to be up to no good. However, taking a person’s personal story and putting it in thinly disguised terms that would still serve their nefarious purposes is not good either. Everyone within the community will know who is being talked about. And to do it, just illustrates the desire to be a passive-aggressive rat. A person can however write something after having thought provoked by someone else (friend or foe) and write it in a way that it will not reveal the original inspiration and will not hurt any one person in particular (unless a person, author of the original piece or not, is looking for a reason to be hurt). But we all know that stuff is usually written in order to hurt the original author. And that is what this thread is about. Her name and personal story was used to hurt her.

    It takes work to write and consider others. I know, because I try and I still get blamed for shit I did not do.

    Right now, in this thread right here, it is my intent to show support for a person who has been in so much pain that they took their blog off the net. I feel the people who misused her personal story should be held accountable. This is not the thread to add fuel to any fires, and naming names right now will do just that, whether it is your intent or not.

  14. August 9, 2009 11:46 pm

    Sis, if you recognize that something has happened in the feminist blogosphere, and there must undoubtedly be issues amongst some women, then why insist on coming here and using names.

    You know, I wouldn’t even say that anything has “happened” in the feminist blogosphere. These tensions and divisions were always there, but they were shoved under the rug under the auspices of “not airing dirty laundry.” Certain women were always assholes (and, yes, I told you so), just like certain others have always hated black women (and, yep, again, told you so). We were all just supposed to not say anything about some women being assholes (and/or black-woman-hating) because they were ostensibly “such good feminists.”

    If we, as a group, stopped trying to pad our numbers with assholes and racists, “we” wouldn’t be in this boat, and “we” wouldn’t have been in whatever boat “we” were supposedly in “you know when.”

    Personally, I have no problem ceasing to read a woman’s writing at the first sign of assholery (including racist assholery). If “we” all did the same, the assholes would be pissing into the wind without an audience. And we, the real we, would be none the wiser to their antics.

    • August 10, 2009 1:06 am

      You know, I wouldn’t even say that anything has “happened” in the feminist blogosphere.

      Are you using the word “happened” as in recently or as in any time someone says something “happened” to imply a distinction from the usual occurrences in the feminist blogosphere. I think you mean the latter. Either way, I used the word “if” in order to separate myself from claiming any knowledge of anything but what my post is specifically addressing. I cannot be accountable for anyone but what I (and in most cases we at this blog) know or do, –hence the reason I used “if.” [if you recognize that something has happened in the feminist blogosphere]. I am normally very conscious of what I am saying and will deliberately use words like if or when to convey my specific meaning. Now being conscious don’t always free me from being clumsy, because sometimes the two collide.

      These tensions and divisions were always there, but they were shoved under the rug under the auspices of “not airing dirty laundry.” Certain women were always assholes (and, yes, I told you so), just like certain others have always hated black women (and, yep, again, told you so). We were all just supposed to not say anything about some women being assholes (and/or black-woman-hating) because they were ostensibly “such good feminists.”

      My point was, there were more names on Sis’s list than mine. Why couldn’t some one else be asked what’s up? Why should I be the one who suffers for keeping it real while others who don’t keep it real reap all the benefits? I am not going to allow myself to be the go to person for the 4-1-1 while simultaneously being hated for being the person spilling the 4-1-1. Where is the love for me in all of it? Where is the love for the people I love? No, instead I will be used for the information, so, so-and-so can go back and defend so-and-so and what-have-you, and I will be over here, keeping it real, still hated though, and never appreciated and kicked and squeezed out because I adhere to my principles. When I express my righteousness I am hurting feminism, but when someone else is expressing their righteousness it is because they are hurt and deserve to vent. And I (actually we, you and I in some cases) am not supposed to notice who gets chosen as worthy and who does not in this feminist realm. Yet, we are the bullies for sticking to our principles.

      Personally, I have no problem ceasing to read a woman’s writing at the first sign of assholery (including racist assholery). And if “we” all did the same, the assholes would be pissing into the wind without an audience. And we, the real we, would be none the wiser to their antics.

      I agree. I happen to be in the know in this instance because I emailed the closed-down blogger and asked her what happened. Then I followed the trail and it was nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. And the shocking part, there were only one or two people who said, “Hey, what yall are doing here is wrong, yall have no business talking about this woman’s personal stories.” But of course those dissenters were sent packing.

  15. August 10, 2009 5:45 pm

    Kitty, we’re on the same page. I wasn’t challenging what you said – just pointing out that there isn’t really any “we,” at least not in the way ol’ Sis meant it. Which is what you were saying with the mouse-in-pocket comment that went over my head.

    As far as “dissenters” go, I’m not even sure that’s the right word. What do you call people who hang out with assholes and appeal to assholes to take the more ethical road and pine after assholes and regret the “loss” of assholes from the fold, but who never stop actually hanging out with assholes? Are they really dissenters? Or is their “dissent” more sound than fury, more showmanship than principle?

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