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Made, Not Born

December 1, 2009

I find it interesting that people would argue that an 8-year-stale (as in, ended, for good, 8 years ago), singular, and gladly renounced, heterosexual relationship would negate my current identification as a lesbian separatist.  Those who have been reading for some time know that I have only very recently, in the past few months, made any claim to lesbianism or lesbian separatism, and updated my about page to reflect my growth.

You see, separatists, all of us, are made, to whatever possible extent, not born.  Every woman is born into heterosociality , tied, involuntarily or willingly, by various threads, whether economic, emotional, familial, or sexual, to males and to women who love them.  So, although separatism has appealed to me for quite some time, and although my feminist theory has always been separatist, it wasn’t until I had ended my nearly decade-long celibacy, made the decision to quit my job, and broke all ties of vicinity and obligation to those who would sabotage my separatist efforts, that I called myself a lesbian separatist.

That’s all I intended to write, but while I’m sitting here, I’ll also add that hatred of males is not a prerequisite for separatism.  I just happen to be a very good multitasker; I can manage to love women, choose separatism out of that love for women and my desire to see an end to the suffering males cause us as female human beings, AND hate males, all at the same time.  Oh, and I can chew bubble gum, too, while I’m loving women and hating males, and the chewing of bubble gum has about has much to do with separatism as the hating of males does, although I don’t imagine disingenuous woman-haters would ever make so much ado about chewing gum as they do about my equally beside-the-point male-hating.

15 Comments
  1. atheistwoman permalink
    December 1, 2009 3:31 am

    I love you. That is all. ( I have the widest pumpkin grin on my face from this post, hence the declaration of love. lol).

    • atheistwoman permalink
      December 1, 2009 3:32 am

      And I love how fabulous you are at multi-tasking! (Yes Kitty, you don’t get to keep all the fabulousness).

  2. December 1, 2009 3:38 am

    Back when I was first coming into awareness about men, in my late twenties, an awareness that I could not name, nor conceptualized, but an awareness that prompted a change in my attitude, men, especially men who knew me when I was younger, would accused me of being changed, different, and mean. Although I did not have the words, I too knew there was a change. The most I could gather was “You made me what I am.” Meaning, I had been receptive, trustful, and even optimistic regarding men, until time and exposure to men taught me to be different. And that lesson was learned by not experiencing anything most survivors would call traumatic. The proof and the pattern were just there waiting for me to remove the blur out of my eyes. It was too consistent and too predictable not to ignore. Yes, I was made.

  3. December 1, 2009 3:43 am

    And in my world, no male is above suspect. Not my father, not my children’s father, not my brothers, not my uncles, not my nephews, not my grandsons. No male is above suspicion. If I am suspicious of them, them who share the blood who run through my veins, then I am damn sure suspicious of some man calling himself a woman and posting picture of his penis while he is wearing a wig and threatening rape. Not only suspicious, I will sound the alarm.

  4. December 1, 2009 12:12 pm

    First of all, I hate when women do that shit… regarding women who are hetero, or who used to be hetero, as if they’re not really worthy of the feminism.

    But I’m willing to guess a white woman is leading that discussion on you not really being a lesbian seperatist. If only they knew how much shit we get from the so called black community for not being accomodating enough to black men. Goddess help us if we are lesbian, it’s worse than dating a white dood.

    I remember being attacked by family for being accused of being a lesbian. I wasn’t allowed around my nieces or young cousins, but the drunken men in our family (who think that all women are their women to be honest, no matter the age) weren’t restricted in anyway.

    I’m willing to guess that your mom took it hard when you said you are a lesbian. She most likely was in denial too. It happens so much to so many women, but my god is it strong in tbc.

    Funny you can be accused of not being lesbian enough, but a dude in a wig can call himself a woman, come to your blog, threaten to rape you and more.

    gross

    • joankelly6000 permalink
      December 1, 2009 2:35 pm

      that commenter hasn’t identified herself as anything other than the only legitimate kind of feminist separatist (“your own life: ur doin it rong!!!”), but although I could be mistaken, I do get the feeling, soulsistasoulja, that she’s white. It’s not that I’ve never known anyone besides a white person to feel so entitled to pronounce what is and is not legitimate for people they don’t even know. But there does seem to be an awful lot of white women who are not separatists running around the internet chastising anyone who seeks or talks about or lives separatism.

      And whether that commenter is a separatist or not, she clearly is not the same kind of separatist that Margie is, so Margie wouldn’t be trying to start a lesbian separatist hippie commune with her ass any damn way, so what the fuck does she care who Margie is separating from?

      *That* is part of why I’m as upset as I am. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t deem the women of AROOO worthy of being left alone when it comes to giving a damn if someone else threatens and hate speeches them, but worthy of being paid attention to so long as the attention is “oh my god the women at AROOO are hateful!”

    • December 1, 2009 6:07 pm

      *That* is part of why I’m as upset as I am. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t deem the women of AROOO worthy of being left alone when it comes to giving a damn if someone else threatens and hate speeches them, but worthy of being paid attention to so long as the attention is “oh my god the women at AROOO are hateful!

      That’s a good damn point Joan. Where the hell are all these “feminists” whenever the women at AROOO are being attacked by males, or being attacked by racist white women too? Why are they concerned with Margie’s seperatist lifestyle?

      Can a black woman have nothing? Not even her RIGHT to identify herself?

    • December 1, 2009 6:13 pm

      It is pick and choose. I learned my lesson long time ago. It is not about anti-racism and/or anti-sexism. It is all about who likes who, who is loyalty to who, who benefits from what, etc. Principle not only flies out the window, it does not make it to the starting line. It is a lack of courage and conviction. People are so afraid that so and so is not going to not talk to them anymore that they will sell their souls to stay in cohorts. That would not be a problem if they did not appropriate anti-racism and anti-sexism, but they do.

    • December 1, 2009 6:21 pm

      “It is pick and choose. I learned my lesson long time ago. It is not about anti-racism and/or anti-sexism. It is all about who likes who, who is loyalty to who, who benefits from what, etc. Principle not only flies out the window, it does not make it to the starting line. It is a lack of courage and conviction. People are so afraid that so and so is not going to not talk to them anymore that they will sell their souls to stay in cohorts. That would not be a problem if they did not appropriate anti-racism and anti-sexism, but they do.”

      Well damn. There it is, and this is why the movement will go no where. White women refusing to own their racism, men refusing to own and address their sexism, everyone wanting to appropriate everyone else’s lives/experieces to fit their agendas.

  5. December 1, 2009 5:01 pm

    Who cares what that piece of weak trash has to say? We all know he/she is one of these, either:

    * A tyrannie (a male tyrant who wants to play stereotypical woman,— woman defined by patriarchy)
    * A woman who is into BDSM who is living a fairytale that her man is going to marry her and treat her like a queen, just to find out, when she goes across the world to be with him (hint, hint), he is going to treat her like shit and she is going to wish she had answered that knock she heard at the door each time she read our blog.
    * A woman who thought she wanted to be man but stopped the transitioning process when it no longer had shock value.
    * Someone who cannot stand that we don’t care about social conventions and more importantly don’t care about her/his opinion.

    All pathetic people.

    But I like how Joan whipped his/her ass. People like them always try to go for the weak link, but Joan said, “Why don’t you take that you little hamster dropping,” while she punched that little fucker in his/her two brain cells.

  6. atheistwoman permalink
    December 2, 2009 2:26 am

    And I love the inability to admit that someone could in fact, change over time, both themselves and their opinions.

    • December 3, 2009 1:42 am

      Well, yes, of course. And to grow as a woman while making an effort not to exploit other women or appropriate their experiences is just unthinkable.

      I never called myself straight – don’t think it’s very meaningful with regard to the female condition, and certainly not with regard to my own experience; only ever called myself a spinster – but I wasn’t going to go around calling myself a lesbian when I’d never been with a woman, unlike some folks. It’s also the case that for 8 years I never *assumed* that any lesbian would be interested in me, never felt *entitled* to any lesbian’s affections or attentions. In addition to my desire to put time between myself and the trauma I suffered – yes, trauma; I’ve been told by some women that my descriptions of sexual interaction with that ex of mine were too exaggerated and evinced too much trauma to have been experienced in any relationship that wasn’t also violent in other ways, but that’s how it was for me, every single time – I also didn’t want to hop out of some man’s bed and into a woman’s, out of respect for any woman I might fall in love with. I mean, my god, men spread disease. How a woman could immediately turn to women after being with a man, let alone be bisexual, is just beyond me.

    • atheistwoman permalink
      December 3, 2009 2:43 am

      “lesbian when I’d never been with a woman, unlike some folks”

      Well, I don’t necessarily think that is an important quantifier, but I get what you are saying with the rest of it.

      “In addition to my desire to put time between myself the trauma I suffered – yes, trauma; I’ve been told by some women that my descriptions of sexual interaction with that ex of mine were too exaggerated and evinced too much trauma to have been experienced in any relationship that wasn’t also violent in other ways, but that’s how it was for me, every single time”

      Oh no joke. I cannot tell you how many relationships between men and women, and yes, even “friendships” which are not even sexual, which I have observed that have fit all the red flags for a violent, abusive relationships, and there never was any “traditional” violence, just plain creepy, stalkerish, abuse.

    • December 3, 2009 2:48 am

      Well, I don’t necessarily think that is an important quantifier, but I get what you are saying with the rest of it.

      I think it is, when you’ve been with a man and/or have otherwise identified/been identifiable as heterosexual. If one hasn’t engaged in heterosexual behavior – or heterosexual identification – then, no, that’s not important. But that doesn’t apply to me, and it certainly doesn’t apply to some other women I’ve seen using the term.

    • atheistwoman permalink
      December 3, 2009 3:05 am

      That works.

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