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My Biggest Failure as a Mother*

April 29, 2010

*I realize mother is a problematic word. Sorry.

My biggest failure as a mother is not being able to keep my mouth shut. I do manage not to say anything if I am not asked. I do not offer my opinions freely, especially if they are hurtful or negative. However, if I am asked directly (I am able to avoid indirect solicitation) I have, thus far, unsuccessfully managed to keep my negative opinions to myself. Immediately after having one of these negative opinion sessions (usually after a demand that I accept so and so),often I simultaneously feel an overwhelming sense of shame and pride.

  1. April 29, 2010 11:56 pm

    I am going to start adopting the policy. Don’t ask. and. Don’t tell (if asked).

  2. April 30, 2010 12:12 am

    Aw, Kitty.

    I don’t think answering a direct question with the truth is a failure at all. I’m sure that doesn’t help much, but, there you have it.

    • April 30, 2010 12:46 am

      Thanks my dear Margie.
      I still need a moment. LOL!
      I need to sort out this simultaneous feeling of shame and pride. It is shame because my daughter is no match to me. I know this. It makes me feel like a jerk, a bully, –a tyrant. I am ashamed also because she is no match to me. Why isn’t she a match? She is my child. She should be my equal. But, it is being my child that is probably the very reason she is no match. {Head on desk}.
      I am right and she is wrong. I am right. There is no area of doubt. I am 100% right. This declaration may sound like I have a hang up on being right, but that is not the case. I do not tell her this, I am telling my audience this. Nevertheless, I am right. Experience has taught me that I am right about this. Every bone in my body convinces me that I am right. She is wrong. She will not know that she is wrong until she learns that she is wrong. That is the rub. Because I will be there, not saying, I told you so, but, I did tell her so, nevertheless, I will be there having to suffer all the pain and anguish that comes when one finds out they are wrong when they could have prevented it all. In the meantime, I am expected to buy a ticket on the train of delusion, drink the poison with her, lose my head in the clouds pretending things are how we wish them to be and not how they really are. I am unable to do this. I just cannot. If I did this I would be selling out myself. Thus, the reason I feel the pride. I am proud that I stay true to every signal and message my mind, body, and experience are sending. Still I am ashamed.

    • Mary Sunshine permalink
      April 30, 2010 2:18 pm

      {{{ Kitty }}} You said it all for me.

      Mine is 42. We are at the end of the road. There is nothing left but shame and loss.

      How can it ever not be like this?

    • April 30, 2010 4:17 pm

      Thanks Mary. I don’t know how it cannot not be like this.

      And you know I am prepared never to approach the topic. To not insert my opinion into the dealings of such topic. I can easily compartmentalize, ignore the elephant in the room if it will allow us to go on with each other in all the many other directions we can interact. But, it cannot be demanded of me to accept something in which I will not accept. I am told that I am giving her no choice but she is not giving me a choice by making a demand. There is no reason why there has to be a demand. It is a segment of her life that I simply do not approve of, and although I will not wag my finger, I am not going to throw a ticket-tape parade or act like I accept/condone when I don’t.

      It is easy. Don’t ask me about it and you will not hear about it. It is truly a case of agree to disagree.

  3. April 30, 2010 10:01 pm

    I am having a version of this problem with my godson (“my youngest brother”) is his character in my blog.

    I really don’t know what to do. Not saying anything causes him to quote me as having agreed with him, it seems. But disagreeing doesn’t work either since he misinterprets it, thinks I’ve disagreed with part A and not part B when it is the opposite.

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