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“Who Loves Ya, Baby?”

May 24, 2010

As Cher Horowitz (Clueless 1995) says when advising others on how to pique the interest of boys, “Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.”

Sugar Factory’s ads claim that Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears and the Pussy Cat Dolls all like sugar in the form of couture lollipops. Suggesting to me, or at least to young women who are fuckably pleasing to men (or feel like they need to be fuckably pleasing) should buy one of their 12 to 22 dollar lollipops to demonstrate their love for sucking dick sugar as well. Just sucking dick in the privacy of your own home is no longer sufficient.   Big business must reap the monetary rewards from those blowjobs. Now, you must walk around sucking a lollipop so you can remind men how much you would love to suck his dick. And while you are at it, you must pay for the pleasure. Talk about empowerment. Not only are you empowered by sucking a man’s dick, you are empowered by forking over your hard earned cash to demonstrate to the world how you find it empowering to suck dick. Can’t nobody tell you anything girlfriend.

Do no men like lollipops? Why aren’t there men sucking on lollipops in the Sugar Factory ads?

When I was a kid the only person I could tell you who sucked on lollipops was detective Kojak. I didn’t find it appealing.  I could only imagine how his teeth must hurt. Actually, that is projection.  It would have been my teeth hurting because my teeth was loaded with cavities and sugar only exacerbated the pain. There were the loop-handled lollipops that handles broke off when they got too soggy that one would occasionally get from the doctor’s office. I say occasionally because it did not seem to be a guarantee. But those lollipops were more like suckers I think. I would have to study the nuanced differences between suckers and lollipops. Nope, I am bored already.

Nevertheless, when I was a newer teenager a group of us pulled our pennies together and bought a bouquet of Blow Pops. What a name, eh? Supposedly, it was a Blow Pop because it had gum in the center, thereby affording one the opportunity to blow bubbles when the candy covering was gone. We were all happily sucking on our Blow Pops when one of the girls, Olivia, nicknamed Monkey by her dad, was called to their front door by her mother after her father drove passed us on his way home from work and had went inside the house. Next thing we saw, Olivia was being slapped up aside her head and the Blow Pop was thrown out in the yard and the mother barked some words of wisdom at us but I didn’t catch any meaning. Only one girl, an older girl expressed an understanding. She went home and left the rest of us to our juvenile sucking.

Then when I was in the military, a young woman accused another man of rape. Or I should say forcible sodomy. The charge was that while they were on roving watch together he made her suck his nasty dick. The story had layers. There was an HPV scare. All three were different races.The boyfriend was a jealous lunatic who shadowed her without her knowledge. Apparently, everyone else but her knew that he followed her around. I knew nothing, I was still stuck in the cloud of meritocracy is my friend and it happened only about five hundred yards from where I was working that night. I waved to them when they went by. While she and the man she was on roving watch with walked around checking things and observing crap (that is checked like a billion times an hour in the military), she was sucking on a lollipop.

During the court marital, the soon to be convicted rapist claimed that his victim was coming on to him because what else did it mean for her to be sucking on that lollipop at night, in the dark while they roamed empty warehouses and sleepy corridors together. I thought it meant poor military bearing, the way smoking in uniform while you walk means the same, but is informally allowed because everyone empathizes with how super crappy it is to be on watch between midnight and 4:00 am. Most everyone else said she did it willingly and only claimed rape when the stalking boyfriend said if she did not report the guy he would.

So all those words to tell you, it is a win-win for men. Women are sold empowerment in the form of sucking dick. “It is not that he is making you suck his dick, it is you wanting to suck his dick.” Other women cannot warn those women without suffering the dreaded accusation, SLUT SHAMING, SLUT SHAMING!” Since when is enlightening others about what is really going on slut shaming? Not only are women tricked into believing they enjoy sucking dick, they are now tricked into buying things that promote sucking dick because we all know that there is nothing worse that not looking consensually fuckable.

I am sure the defense will be, “Get your mind out of the gutter, it is just candy.” Right.

  1. May 24, 2010 9:36 am

    “I am sure the defense will be, “Get your mind out of the gutter, it is just candy.” Right.”

    Sounds pretty accurate to me. All the cosmos and the cleos and womyn trashing magazines are often including tips about how to eat a banana “sexily” or brush your teeth “sexily” blah blah snore.

    I just want to be able to brush my teeth normally and lollipops? Ergh, teeth damage and health problems ahoy. :S

  2. pseudoadrienne permalink
    May 24, 2010 12:22 pm

    *puts on a shit-eating grin*

    Now, now. Critiquing their behavior is anti-feminist. Feminism is about choices, not overthrowing the white-hetero-patriarchy.

    *scowl returns*

    This is what happens when the matter of women’s liberation is usurped and corrupted by men, corporate/entertainment industry pigs, pornographers, lesbophobes, and masochistic female twits.

  3. Mary Sunshine permalink
    May 24, 2010 1:04 pm

    I just don’t wan’t to see any more public depictions of the human race. They serve only to remind me that I’m being held captive by my autonomic nervous system on the horror planet.

  4. Level Best permalink
    May 24, 2010 2:09 pm

    I’m with you, Mary Sunshine.

  5. May 24, 2010 2:29 pm

    And you are to PAY YOUR MONEY FOR IT! That part just kills me.

    • May 24, 2010 3:06 pm

      Right? Don’t we fucking pay enough in this world for being female? I mean that. Insurance premiums et al.

      But you know, we’re just hating because we’re totes not sexxxy enough. We’re just all upset that no man will look at us enjoying a sweet treat such as a lollipop and want to shove his dick into our mouth.

      We have serious issues to be so upset about a mans natural inclination to view our bodily orifices as fuck spots. Seriously we need to get over ourselves.

      *goes to throw up*

    • May 24, 2010 3:27 pm

      The problem is, enjoying a lollipop or not, men still want to shove their dicks in women’s mouths. Selling the whole desire to look sexy is to make women feel better about men doing what they want to do anyway. It is making it easier for men. And women are paying money to make it easier for men.

    • May 24, 2010 4:22 pm

      Went a lil too far on the snark! Lol

      But you’re right, they want to and will do it anyway, the whole idea of women sucking on lolipops is just to get us to participate. Or at least appear to want to participate so that way they don’t have to be accountable when they force or coerce us into sex with them. Like the woman in the military.

    • May 24, 2010 4:42 pm

      Just an off topic aside because I have an audience in you, for now. I had forgotten about that night in the military until I started writing this bit about lollipops. I was trying to remember all memories I had of lollipops. The rape is not funny at all. However, a joke was made and maintain post-rape that was quite amusing. Thankfully, it was not about the rape victim but her lunatic boyfriend. After the accusation surfaced, everyone came out of the woodwork claiming to know that they knew the boyfriend was a fucking stalker. That often he would be seen hiding behind bushes (literally) and up against buildings and such. And what makes this funny-sad is, our whole camp was no more than 12-15 acres squared. I feel like ass for not knowing, then, again, in the military you are trained to be only concerned with what you are tasked with when in an environment with other security measures in place, and she and he was not under my supervision. I did have a run in with him once and put him on report for disrespect. But, the superior people dismissed it as if I was just a complaining bitch. Nevertheless, to get to the juicy part. About a year after this incident, and after having my hopes deferred of getting him kicked out of the military, when we were back in the U.S. he was picked up on a street corner by the local P.D. Supposedly he was blabbering gibberish and waving his hands in the air like he just didn’t care and did not have drug one in his system. He was then, processed out. Dumped on some civilian community no doubt.

    • May 24, 2010 5:38 pm

      The military makes men out to be gods and its gross and dangerous.

      I said a long time ago (back when I was thinking of joining before I woke up) that only the crazies (males) want to join the military. Every military man I have ever met has been way wrong in the head. This might be unfair to the military though, cause they’re al fucked up in one way or another.

      My point, though, is that the military enables and defends mens sense of entitlement to female bodies. Its evidenced by their claim of being anti rape yet the backhanded way they cover up military rapes and molestation. If you train a dog to attack, and put it in an environment where it is free to do so, without reprimand, what can you expect when it does as told?

    • joankelly6000 permalink
      May 24, 2010 6:35 pm

      Not sure if by “molestation” you also mean intra-family, soulsis, but I wanted to add that as well (so sorry if I’m re-stating your point that’s already been made). Of the women I know who’ve been raped by their fathers, whenever they end up mentioning their dads’ line of work, it always seems to be marines or any other military.

      Before any non-daughter-raping service people flip their wigs, I’m not saying that child rape is specific to the military. But I do agree with soulsis that the military teaches men an even more pronounced sense of ownership over females’ bodies – familiar and foreign – as well as intensifying the framework and rewards of male domination. All of which are factors in fathers raping their daughters.

  6. May 24, 2010 3:00 pm

    Anyone else NOT surprised that fucking Kardashian is in the pic with a big ol lollipop in her mouth? Isn’t that how she rose to stardom? Sucking Ray-j’s dick on camera?

    I was JUST talking about blow pops and how I loved them as a girl, but how I only ate them @ home… so as to keep from kicking every male in the face who saw me and made gross comments. Smdh

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