Skip to content

Mommy, It Is All Your Fault

September 6, 2010

I cannot think about my part in it because it is all your fault. I don’t care if you walked away from the situation to keep your mental health intact. It is your fault. Even though at the time I was asking you, my dearest mother to eat shit, it is your fault that everything turned out the way it did. See, if you would have just stayed there and eaten shit, I would have eventually realized that I was eating shit too. I know I demanded that you accept him and I know when it came down to you going back home or making him leave, I chose him. I know this. But it was your job as a mother to know that I would have eventually realized what a horrible person he is if you would have stayed with us. Instead, you deserted me. You left me with him and now that I see how awful he is and how the system is working for him, I cannot understand why you don’t allow me to rewrite how it was that day. Why won’t you allow me to say that everything would have turned out differently if you would have stayed with me when I was choosing him over you? What type of mother is unwilling to eat shit for her adult child?

  1. September 7, 2010 12:54 am

    Oh, Kitty.

    You know how we were talking about certain women being considered too “hard” to deserve compassion? I feel like, even though mothers as a class are given all sorts of special consideration that women without children aren’t afforded – that is, the overarching social narrative about mothers is that they should be supported and catered to – in practice, especially in one-on-one relationships rather than institutional relationships with mothers, mom’s are given very little compassion indeed. While they’re revered on a meta level, mothers, being female, are subject to a lot of scapegoating in their interpersonal interactions. Daughters are as susceptible to the pushes and pulls of these contradictions and paradoxes as anyone. Maybe more. Women are encouraged never to take responsibility for choosing from among a limited set of society-approved options, so the desire for a scapegoat is great. And since mothers are supposed to be so great and powerful on the meta level, well, they don’t need any particular kindness anyway.

    Ugh. I guess what I really want to say is that I hope she continues to evolve. Even just her realizing that man is an asshole (and that you were right about him) is an improvement. It’s a step in the direction of realizing that there was nothing you or anyone could have done at that time to keep her from him, and maybe even a step toward eventually understanding exactly why it is she decided that entwining her life with his was a better choice than others.

  2. September 7, 2010 1:02 am

    And, of course, you know that she would never have realized he was an asshole if you’d stayed. You would have done all the heavy lifting and absorbed all of her anxiety and anger, and he would have been there to do the light stuff, giving her the same self-serving “affection” all males give to women that keeps women satisfied enough to forget the previous affronts, and make them see every new injury or insult as an isolated incident.

  3. September 7, 2010 1:16 am

    I get stuck with the gas mask metaphor, that we used literally in the military, and that is, to put your own gas mask on first because you cannot help your “buddy” if you are being poisoned by the gas. We had 60-second drills over and over, first the gas mask and then the CBR suit. Only then were we allowed to look to our left or right to see if anyone else needed help. The same on airplanes. On a plane you are told, especially if you are traveling with a child or an adult person with disability to put your on oxygen mask on before helping them with theirs. However, because I refuse to be abused, I am selfish. Women are selfish if they remove themselves from abusive situations. Yet if they stay?

    • Soulsis permalink
      September 7, 2010 3:24 am

      If they stay they’re still damned. How many times have you heard “She should’ve kept her legs closed” or “she shoulda left him before he choked her to death” or “why did she let him get her pregnant so many times?” and so on and so fucking forth.

      Accountability aside, at the root of all these above statements is misogyny and an expectation that WOMEN do ALL the work no matter the circumstance. If you’re raped it’s your fault for trusting your brother, cousin, uncle, father, family friend – forced on you by his and your parents- or “male friend.” (In quotes because it is impossible to truly have a male that you genuinely consider to be your friend because the fucker is always going to be trying to get into your pants, or his mansplainin ain’t worth a bag of beans so he is worthless as a “friend” anyway.) It is ALWAYS the excuse, reason, fact fiction or otherwise it is widely believed and adhered to; to scape goat WOMEN.

      My sister just recently did this to my mother. The shit read something like this:

      Dear mom,

      Even though I’m a woman who is free, black and over 21, I blame you for every bad decision I ever made. I’m a sexual person and I love sex, and if you cant receive that then you reject me. You were never there for me anyway. You never showed me any love at all. Because of this I confuse sex for love, and because I couldn’t control how much money you spent on my desired designer fashions, my hair, my body and more throughout my childhood, I turn to sex because i can control that.

      And I will cut it off there and lose my head a tad. Call this slut shaming, I frankly don’t care… If you know enough to know be able to say you “confuse sex for love” you should know enough to be able to get yourself help and STOP the destructive behavior. But this is not someone who doesn’t get how stupid and wreckless it is to live her life this way… oh no, this is someone looking to GUILT her mother because her old tired ways and trickery don’t work anymore. I say ALL THAT to say this, DON’T feel guilty. I fuckin support you in that, there are some ppl who simply couldn’t tell their ass from their eye balls due to their own dumbassery! lol I’m so over this whole blame shit. We have one damn life to live, and every choice you make speaks to the kind of life you want. Stand by your choices and learn from the bumps, or sit your punk ass down and grow up a lil. smh.

      I completely agree with what Margie said about motherhood. I’m speaking to the side of it that burdens women with the task of playing Wonderwoman, or some sort of goddamn genie. Patriarchy giveth and partiarchy taketh away!

  4. joankelly6000 permalink
    September 7, 2010 2:11 am


    And I agree with Margaret – at the same time as mothers are in some senses revered (because, I think, flattery is supposed to encourage participation in one’s own enslavement, among other reasons), they also get the shaft in daily life.

    I’m glad you took care of yourself, but sorry that so much pain is involved with it.

  5. Soulsis permalink
    September 7, 2010 3:25 am

    Kitty am I cursing too much? I keep getting spammed and I want to make it stop!!! lol 🙂

  6. September 7, 2010 9:52 pm

    I co-sign on the {{{hugs}}} and thanks for sharing this, Kitty.

  7. September 8, 2010 12:47 pm

    Me too (((((Kitty)))))

  8. September 11, 2010 9:22 pm

    I told someone I didn’t approve of her marriage and didn’t want to be the shoulder she cried upon when she was threatened/hit/stabbed. I knew it would happen and I did not want to participate in any way except by being the person who said don’t do it, and who would say leave. (And of course, not say “I told you so.”) I didn’t have the strength to stay around as a closer witness, didn’t think it would do her any good if I did, and knew it would just weaken me. I still know I was right.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: