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Grandes Ain’t Just 16oz Drinks at Starbucks

June 30, 2011

By now, I am sure you all have heard about the Southwest pilot who believed his work place should double as a pool to draw potential sex partners. His microphone was hot and he was so deep into his lament that he heeded neither his co-pilot’s attempted interruptions nor numerous attempts made by ATC (Air Traffic Control) to hush him up. Obviously, shush is not a word he understands.

What is the benefit of being a pilot if you cannot fuck a flight attendant at the end of every rotation anyway? Perhaps it is my jaded imagination, but after listening to his rant, I cannot picture a Dentyne™ mile-high pilot sexing it up with a flight attendant between the hot coffee plates and bottled water the way prime time television portrays the same. Instead, I see an unattractive and insanely boring pilot tolerating all the inconveniences put forth in order to get a sleeping pill in the form of sex. And getting pissed when more effort than the basic inconveniences are necessary to achieve that goal. That’s what he sounds like, —a man who wants sex so he can fall into a deep sleep thereafter. A throwback. I try to reason that he is probably a younger man, a man of this generation who has reaped the sexual benefits of Raunch Culture and has come to expect it in everyday interactions. But, all I can conjure is a sleazy Love American style loser with an opened polyester shirt, hairy chest, and an ugly gold Horcrux throttled around his neck by pliers.

Nevertheless, Icarus was having a crisis. A fit and he wanted others to suffer his pain (Where could the co-pilot go?) How dare Southwest, the epitome of diversity with their general boarding attitude and fatphobic ticket agents hire only fags, grannies, and grandes (what the hell are grandes?) Scratch that. Grandes are fatties. Where was I? Oh yeah, how dare Southwest hire all those Fags (11 in one flight, WTF, A Plane of Pride!), Grannies (Based on Frat-Fuckability-Factor-Analysis, that would be any female over 28) and Grandes (again, based on data obtained from FFFA, any female over 100 lbs).

Forget the feminist critique of this man’s rant; the whole situation is funnier than hell. Oh, I know. There will be homosexual men, women over 28, and women over 100lbs who will be offended (rightfully so) and who will air their grievances (again, rightfully so), but other than that, who cares about this individual prick. As if countless men don’t think exactly as this pilot. I suppose the real offense is the pain his remarks has cause women who have refused to believe men like him exist. That has to be painful. What is funny is, this is reality. Reality being portrayed as an individual case.

Water under the bridge. He is very sorry now. After being suspended without pay he hopes to make amends by becoming the Ambassador of Workplace Sensitivity. Stay tuned. FYI, his name is being withheld.

In the meantime, I cannot stop laughing every time I think about those Air Traffic Controllers, and to a certain extent, the other pilots who were in the same flight plan and could hear the rant.

Air traffic controllers submitted the tape to FAA officials the same day. The FAA then turned the recording over to Southwest Airlines after deducting that the pilot was from a Southwest flight.

You know there was no way in HELL, those air traffic controllers were going to sit on this chance. It was time to pass the Baton of Public Derision and the iron was hot. ATCs have been whipped hounds long enough. Whipped for taking a few innocent ZZzzzzzzz at night while planes desire to land. ATCs have been waiting, just waiting for an opportunity to pass the baton to someone else and there was no way some pretty boy pilot was going to smile his way out of this one.

Then there are the other pilots who most certainly paid attention in Diversity Training 101. They were so quick to let ATC know that it was not they who had an open mic rant. Number 10 on the Diversity Training Checklist, CYA!

ATC: “OK, someone’s got a stuck mic and, uh, telling us all about their endeavors. We don’t need to hear that.”

– transmissions end, other pilots make jokes about the offensive transmission not coming from them –
“Uh, Houston, Skywest 6285, we’re (gives numbers for his heading) …and that was not us.”

ATC: (Chuckles) “Skywest 6285, Houston Center: Roger, Climb and maintain flight level 360.”

Skywest pilot: “360, Skywest 6285….And they wonder why airline pilots have a bad reputation.”

(ATC calls another plane with instructions.)

(Aircraft answers)

ATC: “Number 7 Hotel Bravo: (gives instructions) Final 240.”

Aircraft answers “7 Hotel Bravo…..And it wasn’t us either.” (beeping times 2)

ATC: ‘Roger, I didn’t think that was you.” (Recording ends)

  1. July 1, 2011 4:08 am

    You’re a great writer, Kitty!
    So much verve…

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