Self, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
I had to change “God” to “Self.” As the years go by I am getting more and more intolerant of this default belief that there is a fucking God. If there is a God, then why won’t God stop biting my fucking tit already? Speaking of religion, occasionally when I have time I will volunteer at my daughter’s school. First thing in the morning is usually best. Unfortunately that time is exactly when all the kiddies are being directed to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I hate that fucking Pledge. It is fascist as hell, not to mention that damn “Under God” part. Normally because of where I sit (they have a little desk in the corner for volunteers, social workers, etc.) I can sit during the Pledge while the rest of the school staff is standing and no one is the wiser. But during the last time I was there, this older than ancient Health Tech (because the cheap ass school district whose superintendent makes more money than like twelve teachers combined no longer will pay for nurses, as in a real nurse, but only a clerk who had CPR and passed the all day Saturday course on handing out and inventorying icepacks. Any ailment that will not be soothed by an icepack, mom or dad has to be called and mom or dad has to come up to the school and access the child, including when a broken bone is suspected. So this older than ancient health tech turns to me, even though technically she should be facing Old Glory awaiting that orgasmic moment of “and justice for ALL,” (as if) and motions me to stand up.
I did stand up. At first I wasn’t but over the years I have rebelled and have successfully won now, let me count, zero times. I am a fucking loser when it comes to winning at rebelling. The status quo wins and I lose, every fucking time.
As I noted about the month of April, it was long and angry. May is shaping up as a contender.
I cannot keep living this angry, and I have been thinking about it to the point that stupid mantra up there at the top of this post popped in my head. I never actually studied the words because I know how it is a joke for people who criticize Alcoholic Anonymous and other 12-step programs. And truthfully, I am one of those people as well. Anything that requires reciting, “fake it until you make it,” and all that other shit that masks reality I take issue with. But my feral and wild thoughts are going to put me in an early grave, and unlike some people I have met in my life I am not interested in an early grave. I WANT TO LIVE! Just an aside, I do believe most Christians have a death wish and the irony is, at least right now in our current political climate, Christians insult Muslims for having a death wish. Can the logic be any more stupid?
Studying the words now, I do believe I have to chant the first line over and over until it sinks in. I don’t need the second line so much because I have never lacked courage when it comes to tackling things that I have wanted to change. Actually, experiencing the second line has helped me with the third line. However, knowing the differences to what I can and cannot change just pisses me off more and leads me back to needing the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. That is the hardest and most bitterest inducing fact of life, –knowing that you cannot do one damn thing to change it. Not knowing it from not having the courage, but knowing it from working on it and working on it and working on and nothing changes.